Monday, March 17, 2008


Barack Obama's adviser Samantha Power resigned Friday after she called Hillary a monster. It broke a truce. The Clintons don't bring up Barack's drug use and the Obamas don't mention Hillary's genealogical connection to the von Frankenstein family.

Rush Limbaugh was credited Thursday with helping Hillary Clinton win the Texas primary. He doesn't want to lose sixteen years of tested Hillary jokes. He's well aware if he tells one joke on Barack Obama he will follow Don Imus to satellite radio.

John Kerry complained Sunday that the Clintons say simultaneously Barack Obama isn't ready to be president and he should be a heartbeat away. He's endorsed Obama. John Kerry wants everybody to know he voted for the Clintons before he voted against them.

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer admitted Monday he hired five-thousand-dollar-an-hour prostitutes working in a Manhattan call girl ring. He did it to feed his ego.

There simply wasn't enough room in the presidential race for any more New Yorkers.

NBC News in New York reported Monday that Eliot Spitzer introduced himself to the prostitutes using the name George Fox. No Democrat can be linked to Fox and survive. If he had called himself George CNN the party would have rallied to his side.

Florida officials started making plans Monday to hold a mail-in primary as the best way to help settle the Democratic nomination. Hillary has just one request. She wants all the mail-in votes just arriving for Al Gore to count as votes for her.

GOP Congressman Steve King said al-Qaeda would declare victory if Barack Obama wins. He said all the terrorists in the Middle East will be out in the streets partying. It will give everyone in Israel five minutes to go out and do their errands.

Hillary Clinton declined comment Tuesday on New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's prostitute scandal. He was set to support her at the Democratic Party convention. Hillary couldn't have picked a more embarrassing super-delegate if she had married him.

New York's former mayor Ed Koch said Monday he thought Governor Spitzer appeared to be working under a lot of strain lately. The governor's friends were urging him to seek professional help. They should have been more specific about which profession.

-- Argus Hamilton

New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has admitted that he has been involved in a prostitution ring. This is the same man who when he was attorney general went after the prostitution rings. So apparently for not giving him good service . . .

In political news, Hillary Clinton has been hinting that she and Barack Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her in the No. 1 position. She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of consolation prize for getting the most votes and being the most popular.

Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned today. He left his resignation on the night table with a $300 tip.

Four out of five New Yorkers wanted him to go. Of course, me and the writers wanted him to stay.

Beautiful day outside. So sunny, Eliot Spitzer came out of a brothel squinting.

-- David Letterman

Congratulations to Barack Obama! He won again last night. He beat Hillary in Mississippi with 60 percent of the vote. In fact, he won by such a wide margin that Hillary is now definitely going to offer him the No. 2 spot on the ticket.

Although Spitzer only spoke for two minutes and 40 seconds, he still had to pay for the entire hour.

Earlier today, the governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, resigned. In his resignation speech he said, "To whom much has been given, much is expected." Which is the same thing he said to that $5,000-an-hour hooker.

-- Leno

It hasn’t been a great week for Gov. Eliot Spitzer. He’s the guy who built a career crusading against corruption. He got caught on an FBI wiretap arranging for a $1,000-an-hour prostitute. Allegedly, he wired money to the Emperor’s Club, which is a service that provides hookers to upscale gentlemen like my Uncle Frank.

He held a press conference where he apologized to his constituents and his family. He didn’t take any questions; he went right home where his wife repeatedly kicked him in the testicles. Video

-- Jimmy Kimmel

If Gov. Spitzer resigns over his prostitution scandal, he will reportedly go into private practice as a lawyer. When asked why he wanted to practice law again, Spitzer said, “I like businesses where you charge by the hour and screw your clients."

Yesterday, The New York Times reported that New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer was a customer of high-end prostitution ring and that the prostitutes knew him as “Client 9.” Not surprisingly, Clients 1-8 were Charlie Sheen.

New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has been linked to a prostitution ring. He said, “I violated my oath to my family, and I violated my sense of right and wrong.” He also admitted violating someone named Amber.

New York’s Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned today, and to make things official, Gov. Spitzer had to write a letter of resignation to New York’s secretary of state. Out of habit, Spitzer addressed the letter, “Dear Penthouse.”

Because Eliot Spitzer is resigning as governor of New York, that means Hillary Clinton has lost another superdelegate. On the bright side, Bill Clinton has gained a super wingman.

-- Conan O'Brien

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