Monday, March 3, 2008


Hillary Clinton denied on Friday that her praise for Barack Obama in the Texas debate was a concession speech. She knows what she's doing. She figures if she can stay in the race until Easter there's a chance that Barack Obama will just float away.

The Secret Service ordered Dallas police to stop screening people for weapons as they entered an arena for Barack Obama's speech Wednesday because the line was slow. There's no reason to worry. For crying out loud, it's Dallas, what could happen?

Mike Huckabee said Friday his goal is a deadlocked GOP convention this summer even though John McCain has already virtually clinched the nomination. He's no good at mathematics. When he was in high school, Mike Huckabee refused to take geometry because he believes geometry is just Satan's way of getting children to draw his symbols.

The U.S. Navy's successful demolition of a falling satellite caused a sensation in diplomatic circles around the globe. The missile was reconfigured in less than a month to hit a satellite, and it was fired from a Navy ship at sea, and it worked just perfectly. Michelle Obama said it made her feel moderately proud of her country.

The Pentagon questioned Barack Obama Saturday for saying in the last debate that U.S. troops are using Taliban weapons because it's faster than getting U.S. weapons delivered. Don't expect much news coverage. CNN and MSNBC will admit President Bush was right about something before they admit that Barack Obama was wrong about something.

Ralph Nader launched his presidential bid on Meet the Press Sunday. Democrats had to shudder. Ralph Nader has such a reputation as a spoiler that U.S. agriculture officials have orders to shoot him on sight if they see him near a meat packing plant.

Gennifer Flowers said Monday she is going to sell the recordings of her phone conversations with Bill Clinton. She said there's historical interest in the tapes of a sitting American president talking to his mistress. It's of historical interest to young people who want to know what phone sex was like before there were chat rooms.

Barack Obama met off-camera Monday with Jewish leaders who wanted to hear his support for Israel. They're worried about his willingness to talk to Iran, his ties to Jimmy Carter advisors, and his endorsement by Louis Farrakhan. They wanted to remind him privately that if he's going to be Jesus, he has to remember he is Jewish.

Hillary Clinton cited a Saturday Night Live skit to complain that Barack Obama gets worshipful press coverage. Reporters missed her remarks. They were standing in line to get into a arena where Barack Obama was performing the blessing of the microphones.

John McCain rebuked an Ohio radio talk show host who introduced him at a rally Tuesday. The guy called Obama a terrorist-coddling hack politician from Chicago. Senator McCain used his sternest tones to point out that Senator Obama is from Hawaii.

Hillary Clinton on Tuesday found herself barely holding on in the polls in Texas, slightly leading in Ohio and just ahead in Pennsylvania, and she must win all three or she's finished. No wonder the turnout has been so good. Hollywood has known for a hundred years that nothing draws a crowd like tying a blonde to the railroad tracks.

Barack Obama's church faces an IRS probe for letting him make a political speech at the church's convention. No problem. The church has a million hours of cable news footage to prove he is Jesus, so they will have no trouble proving it was just a business trip.

John McCain was reported Wednesday to be interested in Florida governor Charlie Crist as his running mate. How smart. If Democrats nominate Obama, John McCain should select the Florida governor and give the voters a clear choice between Jesus and Crist.

Cincinnati radio host Bill Cunningham slammed John McCain for repudiating his onstage intro of the senator, during which he called Obama a terrorist-coddling hack politician from Chicago. It's crazy. The radio guy decided in anger to endorse Hillary Clinton, who is refusing his endorsement saying he's too soft on Barack Obama.

Hillary Clinton spoke for three hours in a gymnasium in Ohio on Wednesday. It's absolutely amazing how nature always replenishes itself. The moment Fidel Castro retires from public life, another party member arises to take the three-hour time slot.

John McCain was reported Thursday to have been born in Panama. Our three choices are a Kenyan, a Panamanian and a woman linked to Bill Clinton. The reason they ran for president is because not one of them could pass the background check to be a nanny.

The Democratic Party candidates debate between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama drew a record eight million viewers for MSNBC. It's no surprise. Ever since colonial times, witch burnings have been an effective stunt during the February ratings sweeps.

Hillary Clinton said she raised thirty-five million dollars in February. She's finally gotten the hang of Internet fundraising. It turns out the only three ways to make money on the Internet are pornography, gambling and promising free health care.

-- Argus Hamilton

Now that he’s the Republican front-runner, it looks like John McCain has changed his position on torture. He’s now in favor of waterboarding, but only in very limited cases. Like if you’re editor of The New York Times.

The New York Times did it again. Today they released a story suggesting Hillary was sleeping with Bill. There’s only so much you can believe.

Ralph Nader has decided to run for president. Well you thought Mike Huckabee didn’t know when to quit.

Problems for Hillary Clinton: There are 14 states to go, and she only has 12 pantsuits left.

Political experts are now saying it is impossible for Hillary Clinton to win, and everyone is urging her to call it quits and go home to Bill, except of course, Bill: “Stay out there, Honey. Keep fighting!”

Former candidate Chris Dodd has given his support for Barack Obama. You know what that means: Dozens more people will now vote for Obama.

Another Democratic debate last night. This time in Ohio. The big winner? “American Idol.”

This has been their 20th debate! C’mon! I mean, Hillary hasn’t been alone with Bill that many times.

Hillary Clinton criticized the media the other night, during the debates, for always asking her the first question. I don’t know. Is that her biggest concern? The way the polls are going right now, she’s very close to being asked her last question.

Here’s a crazy story. According to The New York Times, even though both of John McCain’s parents were American citizens and were serving in the armed forces at the time, there could be a constitutional argument he can’t be president because he wasn’t born in this country, he was born in Panama.

Now they are questioning if Ralph Nader is eligible because it turns out that he doesn’t appear to be born on planet earth.

- - Leno

This just in: Barack Obama says he has a plan for getting us out of the Academy Awards.

Ralph Nader looks like a guy who comes into town once a year for supplies.

Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. She’s getting pretty desperate. Today, she accused Barack of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house.

Bill Clinton has been getting in the way of Hillary’s campaign. And she’s really upset about it. So upset, she’s encouraged him to start dating again.

Hillary Clinton is down there in Texas, campaigning hard. She pulling out all the stops. Today, she was campaigning in a rawhide pantsuit. Pundits say she has different personalities:

One day she has one personality, the next day another. Today, she is Brunehilde, the dominatrix.

- - Letterman

Ralph Nader has announced he is for running president again. His announcement has filled millions of people with excitement and hope. And these people are called Republicans.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign is trying to embarrass Barack Obama. They’ve circulated pictures of Obama wearing Somali tribal dress. Obama wanted to strike back, but there are no pictures of Hillary wearing a dress.

There are some birthdays today: Ralph Nader and Elizabeth Taylor. Two very different people, of course. One is a crazy old bitch who is out of touch with reality, the other one is Liz Taylor.

- - Craig Ferguson

Sen. Hillary Clinton has once again accused Barack Obama of plagiarizing a speech from another politician. Hillary said, “Plagiarizing is the second worst kind of cheating.”

This week, footage surfaced of Sen. Ted Kennedy singing in Spanish to a Latino group. There was an awkward moment when someone in the crowd pointed at Kennedy’s head and said, “Look — the piƱata is singing!”

Things getting nasty between the Clinton and Obama campaigns. Hillary Clinton’s campaign has been circulating a photo of Barack Obama in a traditional Somali dress.

Meanwhile, Obama’s campaign has been circulating a photo of Hillary wearing a traditional Somali pantsuit.

Yesterday, someone released a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional African dress. As a result, Barack has been offered a starring role in "Big Momma's House III."

Ralph Nader announced that he's once again going to run for president. Nader says he's running because he's tired of Mike Huckabee stealing all the “no chance in hell” vote.

A photo has been circulating of Obama in a turban. This should actually help Obama with a key group of voters in New York: taxi drivers.

- - Conan O'Brien

The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA)

WASHINGTON, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation which will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Senator Barbara Boxer.

“We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance.

Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement “warehouse” stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million “middle man” positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance- based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled. For example, it bans discriminatory interview questions such as “Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?”

“As a Non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan , due to her lack of any discernible job skills. “This new law should really help people like me.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy: “As a Senator With No Abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities.

It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”

Yes, it’s a joke. At least for now. With our government there are no guarantees about tomorrow.

President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and sees them... "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big boobs. "The guy exclaimed," A blonde with big boobs?Why kill a blonde with big boobs?"

Cheney looks at Bush and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.

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