Monday, March 10, 2008


Hillary Clinton asks in a new ad whom you want as president if the White House phone rings at three in the morning. Only she knows how to handle that call.

Nine times out of ten it's just Bill saying don't believe what it says in the morning paper.

Barack Obama picked up the presidential endorsement of Senator Jay Rockefeller on Friday. He's the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee and the great-grandson of the founder of Exxon Mobil Oil Company. Sometimes Ralph Nader has a point.

Barack Obama told Ohio voters Sunday that he's tired of people questioning his religion and spreading rumors he's Muslim. He said every night he prays directly to Jesus Christ. In truth it's not so much a prayer as it is a support group for saviors.

Hillary Clinton went on NBC's Saturday Night Live for a sketch and the cast was especially polite to her. They sure love her on that show. This time tomorrow her picture could be in the studio hallway right next to John Belushi's and Chris Farley's.

The U.S. Navy announced on Sunday an American military helicopter fired a guided missile and hit and killed an al-Qaeda leader in Baghdad. The target was from Saudi Arabia. King Abdullah was very upset until we explained that the terrorist was disguised as a woman who had just had lunch alone with a man who isn't a family member.

Barack Obama was forced to explain Monday how he bought his home through indicted Chicago businessman and fundraiser Tony Rezko. It goes with the territory. When Hillary Clinton played church softball growing up in Chicago, she led the league in crooked real estate deals.

Hillary Clinton said Monday this is a wartime election and that in her opinion, Democrats don't talk about that enough. War is a serious business. She's doubled her number of appearances on NBC's Saturday Night Live just to stress the urgency of it.

Barack Obama told an Ohio rally Sunday that he prays to Jesus nightly. So much for candidates distancing themselves from President Bush. Not only did Hillary vote for Bush's war but Obama consults regularly with Bush's favorite political philosopher.

Barack Obama's economic advisor secretly met with Canadian officials last week to assure them he won't change NAFTA as he promised in Ohio. It's no big deal. He was just doing what all politicians do, but his followers nearly choked on their Kool-Aid.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama attacked each other Tuesday as the primaries settled nothing. It looks like a bloodbath all the way to the convention. They both have Secret Service protection so there is no telling how it's going to turn out.

Hillary Clinton spent the nights before Tuesday's primaries getting big laughs on Saturday Night Live and on Jon Stewart's Daily Show. It's helpful. With every audience she kills, she gets a little closer to matching John McCain's Vietnam record.

Mississippi holds a primary Tuesday with thirty-three Democratic delegates at stake. The Census says Mississippi's population is sixty percent white and forty percent black. That means Hillary has four days to get the Voting Rights Act repealed.

Hillary Clinton said Wednesday she could share a ticket with Barack Obama. The problem is with stereotypes. He refuses to be her driver and she refuses to be his secretary and Michelle Obama refuses to sit in the back of the bus with Bill Clinton.

Barack Obama demanded Hillary release her tax returns Thursday. It's the right time for him to drop his savior act and act like a politician. The only way to get Pennsylvanians to shout out the name of Jesus Christ is to bring up the Eagles' season.

-- Argus Hamilton

The movie “Panic Room 2” is now in development. The whole thing is going to be filmed at Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters.

Everyone is so concerned where all the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in the Panama Canal Zone. Hillary was born outside Chicago. And if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger.

- - Leno

Today is Leap Day. Leap Day comes every four years, but it really doesn’t mean anything. Like Ralph Nader running for president, it just doesn’t mean anything.

- - Letterman

Hillary Clinton said that she raised $35 million in the month of February. Which is fantastic — now she can afford a really great vacation as soon as she drops out of the race.

There is a building in New York City that is keeping loiterers away by using a device that plays annoying, high-pitched screeching sounds. It’s called “The View.”

John McCain won the Republican nomination. He was awarded with a trip to the White House. Mike Huckabee dropped out and was awarded a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

- - Craig Ferguson

Political experts are saying that to offset his weaknesses, Barack Obama should choose a running mate who is older, a veteran, and from a different part of the country. So today, Obama chose John McCain.

Yesterday, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said that he won’t stay in the race beyond reason. Then Huckabee announced he’s dropping out six weeks ago.

This week, the U.S. Border Patrol arrested a man responsible for smuggling thousands of Guatemalans into California. An angry American official said, “Those Guatemalans were taking jobs that should have gone to Mexicans.”

- - Conan O'Brien

Big day for caucuses. Everybody trying to decide who they should support. According to exit polls, 53 percent of the voters still hadn’t made up their minds even after they voted.

There have been charges of foul play.

Obama has accused Clinton of smearing him by saying he is a Muslim or Muslim sympathizer; Clinton has accused Obama or his people of trying to dump a bucket of water on her to make her melt.

It's like a war: Hillary has said, “If we pull out now, the guy I tried to make look like a terrorist wins.”

Hillary Clinton won do-or-die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas. A lot of people thought she would be done today; this would be it. But like Bill always says, “Hillary does not go down without a fight.”

- - Jimmy Kimmel

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