POOKIE'S - IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

Rep. Murtha Backs Hillary, Calls for Her to Pull Out

Hillary Repudiates Ferraro, Slams Obama Betrayal

U.S. Markets Surge on Prosperity Jitters

Barack & The Obamas (animated video)

I Want To Be Your “Look To The Cookie” Candidate

Barack Obama Cult of Personality Music Video

Rush re Secrecy & The Drive-by Media (video)

The Weather Channel reported snow and ice storms blowing into the Eastern Seaboard from the Midwest Wednesday. The cold was bone chilling. It was so cold in New York that prostitutes were charging Eliot Spitzer an extra thousand dollars just to cuddle.

Billy Crystal signed a one-day contract with the New York Yankees for a spring training game with Pittsburgh Thursday. The comic is a great mimic. In the first inning he performed his new Eliot Spitzer impersonation by scoring and then resigning.

The New York Times identified Eliot Spitzer's call girl on Wednesday as Ashley Dupre. She's twenty-two. No one knows what she did for him that was worth forty-three hundred bucks, but Viagra just added resignation to its list of possible side effects.

Ashley Dupre's recorded pop song was downloaded four million times after she met Eliot Spitzer at the Mayflower. She's on her way to a big recording career.

Paris Hilton can't believe she owns a hundred thousand hotel rooms and never thought of this.

Geraldine Ferraro refused to apologize for saying Barack Obama is lucky to be a black man instead of a woman. Who knew there are more sexists than racists in America? It turns out Betty Friedan should have the holiday on her birthday instead of Martin Luther King.

Hillary Clinton apologized to blacks Wednesday for her husband comparing Barack Obama to Jesse Jackson. She's disciplined. Hillary always refers to her husband in public as either the president, as Bill, or by his Secret Service code name, Client Number One.

Barack Obama's Chicago minister and spiritual counselor Jeremiah Wright went wild onstage Sunday and pantomimed a sex act between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. It was pretty low. Physical comedy is just a notch above song parodies.

New York will swear in new governor David Paterson in Albany today. He has no shortage of help. There was a huge rush of job applicants last week after they read in the papers that serving under the governor paid four thousand dollars an hour.

Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt offered one million dollars Saturday to Eliot Spitzer's call girl for a nude photo spread. He promised it would be done tastefully. He always uses special lighting to cast moody shadows on the uterine wall.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had no events on their calendars Sunday. It's the new campaign schedule. The candidates stay up late to watch Saturday Night Live, then spend Sunday huddled with their advisors to figure out what to do with the clips.

David Paterson was sworn in as New York's governor Monday by the state's Chief Justice. He got off to a great start. The governor got a standing ovation halfway through the oath of office when he said the word faithfully and his nose didn't grow.

Barack Obama distanced himself from his pastor Jeremiah Wright Tuesday. The clergyman has given bitterly anti-American sermons, recorded on videotape. Jeremiah Wright is the only Church of Christ minister whose portrait is hanging in every cave in Afghanistan.
Barack Obama refused Tuesday to disown his pastor, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, who gives inflammatory anti-American sermons. He said the minister was the man who led him to Jesus Christ twenty years ago.

Before that he was a white kid from Hawaii.

The National Archives said Monday Hillary Clinton's daily White House schedules are ready for viewing.
We're all going to find out about her experiences as first lady. She's hoping the sympathy backlash will carry her all the way to the nomination.

New York Governor David Paterson was blackmailed by a former mistress wielding audiotapes Tuesday, forcing him to admit many affairs. He replaced Eliot Spitzer the day before. The first requirement of a democratic society is continuity in government.

Barack Obama delivered an eloquent speech on race in America Tuesday. He tried to heal America's racial divide by talking about himself for thirty-five minutes.

Hillary Clinton cannot believe she is running against a photo-negative of her husband.

New York Governor Dave Paterson was confronted by angry husbands Thursday over his adulterous affairs.

They can't attack a man who's legally blind. He can always say these women had the same shape and feel as his wife and it was an honest mistake.

-- Argus Hamilton

New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer stepped down yesterday. He apologized. I don’t know what he apologized for. I think it’s steroids.

There’s so much left undone: Amber, Ashley, Rhonda . . .

He’s going to be looking for job. And I’m thinking, “Isn’t that what got him in trouble in the first place?”

-- David Letterman

The big movie that is opening this weekend is the Dr. Seuss film, “Horton Hears a Who.” Don’t confuse it with the new film about the governor of New York, “Eliot Hires a Ho.”

The name of the escort service the governor used? The Emperors Club. Sounds better than “whore house” doesn’t it?

On their Web site they ranked the girls from one to seven diamonds. The diamonds represent how many you have to buy for your wife after you get caught.

The latest rumor is that Spitzer has reportedly hired a top-notch criminal defense law firm in anticipation of any possible charges. You know the really ironic part?

Even they don’t charge $5,000 an hour. And you’re still getting screwed.

As you know, Gov. Eliot Spitzer has resigned. However, his hooker will finish her full term.

Even Bill Clinton was upset that Spitzer went to a hotel. He said, “Come on, get a desk.”

What’s going on with Geraldine Ferraro? She said a leprechaun wouldn’t be in the position he’s in if he wasn’t green.

Things are not looking good for the Democratic Party. In fact the tension between Barack and Hillary is almost as bad as the tension between Bill and Hillary.

According to a new poll out today, John McCain is now in a double digit lead over the Democrats. Give you an idea just how far ahead John McCain is in the polls, today Hillary offered him the vice presidency.

Some more embarrassing revelations for Hillary Clinton today. According to a report released by the national archives, it now seems that Hillary Clinton was in the White House the day Bill was having sex with Monica.

In fact this is the first documented proof that Bill has had sex . . . with Hillary under the same roof.

-- Leno

You probably know that The New York Times was able to find that hooker that Spitzer allegedly paid $1,000 an hour for. Her real name is Ashley Dupre, and her MySpace page says her first love is music. Her second love is having sex with governors for money.

I want to be the guy Eliot Spitzer’s wife uses to get back at him.

-- Jimmy Kimmel

The identity of New York Gov Eliot Spitzer’s prostitute has been revealed. When asked why she slept with New York’s governor, she said, “Because New Jersey’s governor is into guys.”

She says she doesn’t want to be thought of as a monster. She said unless of course, someone has $4,000 and they're into role playing.

Political experts say that before the scandal, Hillary Clinton had considered him for a possible running mate. Now, Hillary is considering Spitzer as a possible husband.

Yesterday Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had a private talk and agreed to stop attacking each other so harshly. Hillary told Barack, “We should pretend to like each other just like Bill and I do.”

Today Hillary Clinton said the war would end up costing $1 trillion. She wasn’t talking about Iraq, she was talking about her war with Barack Obama.

A new survey shows that beer drinkers prefer John McCain to Hillary Clinton. Which is surprising because you’d think Hillary would be more popular with guys who like a “cold one.”

-- Conan O'Brien

The new governor of New York is blind, which is a big improvement. If he’s ever caught with a prostitute, he can say “I thought it was my wife.”

By now, we all know what happened to Eliot Spitzer, the old governor of New York. Last week he was caught with a high-class call-girl. I am not sure what makes a call-girl high-class. I think they use an English accent when they spank you.

-- Craig Ferguson

SIGN IN A PHILADELPHIA STORE WINDOW –
'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign:

Answer: A Funeral Home

(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

You gotta love it!!!

God Bless America

POOKIE'S - IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

Barack Obama's adviser Samantha Power resigned Friday after she called Hillary a monster. It broke a truce. The Clintons don't bring up Barack's drug use and the Obamas don't mention Hillary's genealogical connection to the von Frankenstein family.

Rush Limbaugh was credited Thursday with helping Hillary Clinton win the Texas primary. He doesn't want to lose sixteen years of tested Hillary jokes. He's well aware if he tells one joke on Barack Obama he will follow Don Imus to satellite radio.

John Kerry complained Sunday that the Clintons say simultaneously Barack Obama isn't ready to be president and he should be a heartbeat away. He's endorsed Obama. John Kerry wants everybody to know he voted for the Clintons before he voted against them.

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer admitted Monday he hired five-thousand-dollar-an-hour prostitutes working in a Manhattan call girl ring. He did it to feed his ego.

There simply wasn't enough room in the presidential race for any more New Yorkers.

NBC News in New York reported Monday that Eliot Spitzer introduced himself to the prostitutes using the name George Fox. No Democrat can be linked to Fox and survive. If he had called himself George CNN the party would have rallied to his side.

Florida officials started making plans Monday to hold a mail-in primary as the best way to help settle the Democratic nomination. Hillary has just one request. She wants all the mail-in votes just arriving for Al Gore to count as votes for her.

GOP Congressman Steve King said al-Qaeda would declare victory if Barack Obama wins. He said all the terrorists in the Middle East will be out in the streets partying. It will give everyone in Israel five minutes to go out and do their errands.

Hillary Clinton declined comment Tuesday on New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's prostitute scandal. He was set to support her at the Democratic Party convention. Hillary couldn't have picked a more embarrassing super-delegate if she had married him.

New York's former mayor Ed Koch said Monday he thought Governor Spitzer appeared to be working under a lot of strain lately. The governor's friends were urging him to seek professional help. They should have been more specific about which profession.

-- Argus Hamilton

New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has admitted that he has been involved in a prostitution ring. This is the same man who when he was attorney general went after the prostitution rings. So apparently for not giving him good service . . .

In political news, Hillary Clinton has been hinting that she and Barack Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her in the No. 1 position. She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of consolation prize for getting the most votes and being the most popular.

Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned today. He left his resignation on the night table with a $300 tip.

Four out of five New Yorkers wanted him to go. Of course, me and the writers wanted him to stay.

Beautiful day outside. So sunny, Eliot Spitzer came out of a brothel squinting.

-- David Letterman

Congratulations to Barack Obama! He won again last night. He beat Hillary in Mississippi with 60 percent of the vote. In fact, he won by such a wide margin that Hillary is now definitely going to offer him the No. 2 spot on the ticket.

Although Spitzer only spoke for two minutes and 40 seconds, he still had to pay for the entire hour.

Earlier today, the governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, resigned. In his resignation speech he said, "To whom much has been given, much is expected." Which is the same thing he said to that $5,000-an-hour hooker.

-- Leno

It hasn’t been a great week for Gov. Eliot Spitzer. He’s the guy who built a career crusading against corruption. He got caught on an FBI wiretap arranging for a $1,000-an-hour prostitute. Allegedly, he wired money to the Emperor’s Club, which is a service that provides hookers to upscale gentlemen like my Uncle Frank.

He held a press conference where he apologized to his constituents and his family. He didn’t take any questions; he went right home where his wife repeatedly kicked him in the testicles. Video

-- Jimmy Kimmel

If Gov. Spitzer resigns over his prostitution scandal, he will reportedly go into private practice as a lawyer. When asked why he wanted to practice law again, Spitzer said, “I like businesses where you charge by the hour and screw your clients."

Yesterday, The New York Times reported that New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer was a customer of high-end prostitution ring and that the prostitutes knew him as “Client 9.” Not surprisingly, Clients 1-8 were Charlie Sheen.

New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has been linked to a prostitution ring. He said, “I violated my oath to my family, and I violated my sense of right and wrong.” He also admitted violating someone named Amber.

New York’s Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned today, and to make things official, Gov. Spitzer had to write a letter of resignation to New York’s secretary of state. Out of habit, Spitzer addressed the letter, “Dear Penthouse.”

Because Eliot Spitzer is resigning as governor of New York, that means Hillary Clinton has lost another superdelegate. On the bright side, Bill Clinton has gained a super wingman.

-- Conan O'Brien

IRAN PUTRIFIES AS HARDLINERS FACE OFF

To grasp the sense of stagnation and despair in Iran, you have only to learn the essential economics of a household budget.

A young couple marry and want to set up home together. Suppose they met at Azad University in Tehran and wish to carry on living in the capital, near to friends and family. Renting a one-bedroom flat in a run-down area of this vast, grim city would cost between £250 and £300 a month.

Yet if both husband and wife have found jobs - a very lucky combination - their total monthly earnings may be only £300. Finding a place of their own is simply unaffordable.

In practice, countless Iranian couples are unable to marry because they lack the means to live together. Those who do tie the knot are often doomed to spend years sharing crowded family homes with parents and siblings.

Despite record oil prices, the grinding hardships of daily life have only mounted under President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's erratic rule. Rents in central Tehran have tripled since he won power in 2005 and inflation officially runs at 20 per cent, although ordinary Iranians believe this to be a gross underestimate.

Meanwhile, crushing levels of unemployment mean that few graduates can find jobs. So students are condemned to stay on at university, doing course after pointless course. If you come from a country where students enter the real world at 21 or 22, you might be surprised by the age of the inhabitants of Iran's campuses.

Meeting two students in Tehran yesterday, I found that one was 27 and the other 25 - and both were several years away from graduating. Did they want to be at university? Not really, they told me. But try finding a job in this country.

If a democratic government presided over this disaster, it would be swept from office. The young are a vital constituency; two thirds of the country's 70 million people are under 30. They are bitterly aware that Iran floats on a sea of natural wealth, boasting the second largest reserves of oil and natural gas in the world.

With oil prices exceeding $100 a barrel and no fewer than 130 billion barrels lying beneath Iran's mountains and deserts, there is no excuse for decades of economic failure.

In theory, ordinary Iranians will be able to make their voices heard in parliamentary elections today.

In reality, a familiar story has been played out. Whenever Iranians are given the chance, they vote for liberal reformers, who want to improve ties with the West and open up the country's economy and society. So the clerical establishment of this theocratic state carefully denies them the opportunity.

Anyone running for election must first be cleared by the Council of Guardians. This collection of hardline clerics routinely uses its power to sabotage the reformers before a vote is cast. Of the 909 reformists who tried to run today, about 800 were barred from standing.

The Council of Guardians vetoed all of their best-known champions, leaving their cause to be upheld by an obscure collection of contenders.

Of the 290 seats in the Majlis (parliament), only about 100 will have a reformist candidate. Perhaps half of these have a reasonable chance of winning.

Alan Note: preliminary vote results indicate 46 of the less rabid candidates got elected.

Thus a movement that almost certainly represents the majority of Iranians will probably end up with fewer than 20 per cent of the seats.

Yet beneath the surface, there are stirrings of hope. The reformers have no chance in this election, but nor is Mr Ahmadinejad having everything his own way. His combination of belligerence abroad and incompetence at home has alienated many in the hardline camp.

The conservatives are contesting this election as two factions - one, the "United Front", backs the president, while a new formation, the "Broad Coalition", consists of his opponents.

The leading lights in the anti-Ahmadinejad camp are Ali Larijani, who resigned as chief negotiator on nuclear matters last year, and Mohammed Baqer Qalibaf, the mayor of Tehran.

If they do well, most new MPs might be opponents of Mr Ahmadinejad, and he may find it impossible to seek re-election next year.

Despite everything, today's contest matters because it could set the stage for the president's departure. But the man who probably remains the most popular politician has yet to declare his hand. Mohammed Khatami, a liberal cleric (liberal ???),served as Iran's only reformist president, between 1997 and 2005.

Alan Note: "liberal" compared to the ruthless Mullah and Revolutionary Guard hardliners, NOT by Western standards in he USA or Europe. He has as much innocent blood and torture on his hands as any of the others clerics.

Parliament was captured by reformers in 2000, dozens of newspapers were established and, for a moment, Iran seemed on the verge of profound change. Mr Khatami offered an olive branch to the West, publicly calling for a "dialogue of civilisations".

(Alan Note: his inability to get any meaningful reforms established and the fact that those who believed him and in him demonstrated and died for him and gained nothing, totally invalidated his credibility (except inside some "hopeful" Western government corridors and Universities) and most of them would never vote for him again after feeling so betrayed).

But Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, who wields ultimate authority, quietly resisted his president. The Council of Guardians vetoed most of Mr Khatami's liberalising measures and ensured that reformers lost control of parliament in 2004 by disqualifying their candidates en masse.

After this searing experience, will Mr Khatami seek the presidency next year? "He doesn't want to stand and everybody who has asked him to do so has been rejected," said Mustapha Tajzadeh, deputy interior minister in Mr Khatami's FORMER government.

"But he is under pressure day by day. Even some traditionalists want Mr Khatami to be a candidate because they believe he could defeat Mr Ahmadinejad."

(Wishful thinking - as matter stand)

Few doubt that Mr Khatami would win (disinformation????!!!). He took the presidency with more than 70 per cent of the vote in 1997 and was re-elected with a staggering 86 per cent in 2001.

Then crashed and burned!

Mr Tajzadeh believes he is torn by indecision. "He thinks that, if he comes again, he will raise many hopes and he will not be able to satisfy them," (exactly as previously) he told me.

"I watch every day as people come to see Mr Khatami to ask him to run." But Mr Tajzadeh said there was one argument that the former president "feared".

"They say to him, 'If you do not stand and something happens to Iran, you will be responsible. We expect you to come forward and save Iran'."

Mr Tajzadeh believes the odds on Mr Khatami running are 55 per cent. Without declaring his hand, this modest, humane (whom are we kidding???) 65-year-old is quietly carrying the hopes of his nation.

(Perhaps in the eyes of the British Press not fellow Iranians)

Mar. 14 - The Iranian regime continues its mad dash towards a nuclear bomb, triggering an inferno of violence and chaos in Iraq and the rest of the Middle East along its path.

Meanwhile, the majority of the Iranian population has found itself confined in an economic firestorm raging within Iran’s borders.

High prices of basic commodities choke the life out of a population already crushed by incredibly low living standards. There is hardly an opportunity lost for the Iranian people to complain and express their misery.

This is while Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's campaign pledge in 2005 was to bring the oil revenue, a record 69 billion dollars last year, to people's dinner tables.

From bread to meat to children’s diapers to clothing to houses, there is almost no product that has not turned into an out-of-reach luxury item for the majority.

For example, growing imports of flour by the regime, as well as some crop growers being hard hit by pests, have supplied the main causes for the 60 percent jump in the price of bread in the span of a few months.

The most common food product on Iranian dinner tables, rice, has seen a nearly-150 percent price hike.

In Tehran’s main squares, unemployed women marked by their black chadors sit on pathways, desperately offering anything from socks to hair clips for sale to onlookers.

Their weary eyes are nonetheless alert for the regime’s State Security Forces (SSF) who tend to aggressively disperse or arrest them in public. But, some of them are unmindful of their surroundings, too busy trying to quiet their screaming hungry toddlers.

At the insurance office, pools of single mothers, unemployed and retired men and women are turned away for various dubious reasons.

The youths criticise the lack of jobs and senior citizens complain about the lack of affordable medical care and pharmaceutical drugs.

Poverty and economic hardships sway many to take refuge in drugs or get entangled in other types of social malady.

Stories of depressed young men killed by alcohol poisoning or drugs, young women committing suicide by setting themselves on fire, and fake pharmaceutical drugs that end up killing or harming thousands, are so common that they plaster state-run dailies.

Housing prices have soared in recent months, up to sevenfold in some parts of the capital, making it hard or impossible for many to buy or rent homes.

Experts claim that a shortage of over three million houses exists in Iran and the level of demand increases on a daily basis. According to official estimates, nearly one quarter of Iranian families do not own a home, a half of them low-income families.

The gloomy economic and social situation, in addition to a noticeable dark veil of suppression, has formed the basis of simmering anti-government protests.

According to Iranian opposition sources, more than 5,000 anti-regime protests and demonstrations shook Iran in the past year alone.

Amid public and televised hangings, which the regime uses to instill fear in a disenchanted population, the number of protests is nonetheless growing.

Realizing the devastating potentials of popular dissent, the Iranian regime continues to rule with an unforgiving iron fist.

For example, eye-witness reports indicate that near Tehran’s Haft-Hoz square, where previously about four or five SSF cars maneuvered the streets, the number today is close to 13 or 14, with more on-foot agents keeping a close eye on the nearby locations.

Plain-clothes police also intermingle with ordinary citizens in places where chances of protests are deemed high, such as university campuses.

At the height of World War Two, the writer George Orwell wrote, “One of the chief features of Fascist rule is the enormous number of police that it employs.”

Their mere existence, Orwell added, show the nature of the Nazi difficulties. The situation in Iran bears a striking resemblance.

There are security forces of all kinds operating in the country, including one dedicated to “mal-veiling” and even one for the mountains, to keep an increasingly resentful population at bay.

State resources are thus inevitably squandered on the suppressive machinery while a restless population awaits the apt opportunity to rise from the ashes of economic ruins.

POOKIE'S - IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

McCain Sings Streisand (video)

Bloomberg To Sue Airlines, Boeing for 9-11 Attacks

Border Patrol (game)

Exclusive photo: Hillary introduces her latest position paper

The Hillary Show episode 10 (animated video)

Hillary peeved with unauthorized biography

Hillary Beer (video)

POOKIE'S - IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

Hillary Clinton asks in a new ad whom you want as president if the White House phone rings at three in the morning. Only she knows how to handle that call.

Nine times out of ten it's just Bill saying don't believe what it says in the morning paper.

Barack Obama picked up the presidential endorsement of Senator Jay Rockefeller on Friday. He's the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee and the great-grandson of the founder of Exxon Mobil Oil Company. Sometimes Ralph Nader has a point.

Barack Obama told Ohio voters Sunday that he's tired of people questioning his religion and spreading rumors he's Muslim. He said every night he prays directly to Jesus Christ. In truth it's not so much a prayer as it is a support group for saviors.

Hillary Clinton went on NBC's Saturday Night Live for a sketch and the cast was especially polite to her. They sure love her on that show. This time tomorrow her picture could be in the studio hallway right next to John Belushi's and Chris Farley's.

The U.S. Navy announced on Sunday an American military helicopter fired a guided missile and hit and killed an al-Qaeda leader in Baghdad. The target was from Saudi Arabia. King Abdullah was very upset until we explained that the terrorist was disguised as a woman who had just had lunch alone with a man who isn't a family member.

Barack Obama was forced to explain Monday how he bought his home through indicted Chicago businessman and fundraiser Tony Rezko. It goes with the territory. When Hillary Clinton played church softball growing up in Chicago, she led the league in crooked real estate deals.

Hillary Clinton said Monday this is a wartime election and that in her opinion, Democrats don't talk about that enough. War is a serious business. She's doubled her number of appearances on NBC's Saturday Night Live just to stress the urgency of it.

Barack Obama told an Ohio rally Sunday that he prays to Jesus nightly. So much for candidates distancing themselves from President Bush. Not only did Hillary vote for Bush's war but Obama consults regularly with Bush's favorite political philosopher.

Barack Obama's economic advisor secretly met with Canadian officials last week to assure them he won't change NAFTA as he promised in Ohio. It's no big deal. He was just doing what all politicians do, but his followers nearly choked on their Kool-Aid.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama attacked each other Tuesday as the primaries settled nothing. It looks like a bloodbath all the way to the convention. They both have Secret Service protection so there is no telling how it's going to turn out.

Hillary Clinton spent the nights before Tuesday's primaries getting big laughs on Saturday Night Live and on Jon Stewart's Daily Show. It's helpful. With every audience she kills, she gets a little closer to matching John McCain's Vietnam record.

Mississippi holds a primary Tuesday with thirty-three Democratic delegates at stake. The Census says Mississippi's population is sixty percent white and forty percent black. That means Hillary has four days to get the Voting Rights Act repealed.

Hillary Clinton said Wednesday she could share a ticket with Barack Obama. The problem is with stereotypes. He refuses to be her driver and she refuses to be his secretary and Michelle Obama refuses to sit in the back of the bus with Bill Clinton.

Barack Obama demanded Hillary release her tax returns Thursday. It's the right time for him to drop his savior act and act like a politician. The only way to get Pennsylvanians to shout out the name of Jesus Christ is to bring up the Eagles' season.

-- Argus Hamilton

The movie “Panic Room 2” is now in development. The whole thing is going to be filmed at Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters.

Everyone is so concerned where all the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in the Panama Canal Zone. Hillary was born outside Chicago. And if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger.

- - Leno

Today is Leap Day. Leap Day comes every four years, but it really doesn’t mean anything. Like Ralph Nader running for president, it just doesn’t mean anything.

- - Letterman

Hillary Clinton said that she raised $35 million in the month of February. Which is fantastic — now she can afford a really great vacation as soon as she drops out of the race.

There is a building in New York City that is keeping loiterers away by using a device that plays annoying, high-pitched screeching sounds. It’s called “The View.”

John McCain won the Republican nomination. He was awarded with a trip to the White House. Mike Huckabee dropped out and was awarded a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

- - Craig Ferguson

Political experts are saying that to offset his weaknesses, Barack Obama should choose a running mate who is older, a veteran, and from a different part of the country. So today, Obama chose John McCain.

Yesterday, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said that he won’t stay in the race beyond reason. Then Huckabee announced he’s dropping out six weeks ago.

This week, the U.S. Border Patrol arrested a man responsible for smuggling thousands of Guatemalans into California. An angry American official said, “Those Guatemalans were taking jobs that should have gone to Mexicans.”

- - Conan O'Brien

Big day for caucuses. Everybody trying to decide who they should support. According to exit polls, 53 percent of the voters still hadn’t made up their minds even after they voted.

There have been charges of foul play.

Obama has accused Clinton of smearing him by saying he is a Muslim or Muslim sympathizer; Clinton has accused Obama or his people of trying to dump a bucket of water on her to make her melt.

It's like a war: Hillary has said, “If we pull out now, the guy I tried to make look like a terrorist wins.”

Hillary Clinton won do-or-die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas. A lot of people thought she would be done today; this would be it. But like Bill always says, “Hillary does not go down without a fight.”

- - Jimmy Kimmel

WEEKEND HUMOR

SMART ASS ANSWERS SMART ASS ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied' ______________________________________________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.' _______________________

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.' ------------------------------

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. ______________________________________________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.' ______________________________________________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.' ______________________________________________________________________

TWO BONUS EXTRAS: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?' The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists. ______________________________________________________________________

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect. He never heard the shot....

FREEDOMS ENEMIES - THE OBAMA STORY

CLICK ON TITLE TO GO TO ARTICLE

Add to the family history shown in this article that Obama's mother was allegedly visiting Kenya with Obama's father in the final months of her pregnancy and was not allowed to board a flight in her late term to return home.

She allegedly had Obama in Kenya and quickly boarded a flight to Hawaii. Airlines do not accept late term pregancies but do not refuse passage to a newborn, usually issuing a 10% or free fare ticket for the trip.

Once in Hawaii, his mother registered him as being born in Hawaii.

Apart from his bloodline making him an Arab American NOT an African American, (his African blood only reaches less than 7% and insufficient to qualify for Federal standards of a minimum 12.5% as a given minority) he may not even be born in the USA, and unlike McCain without being on an American military base and with BOTH parents being Americans.

He adopted the African American persona to qualify for minority Black benefits such as college admission etc.

His father, registered by the government as Arab African in Kenya, is the last to be able to claim African ethnicity. Obama's White mother diluted him to where his only minority claim can be as Arab American.

His last link to African claim rests with his MATERNAL grandmother, not his father's side of the family, who are all Arabs.

Obama's Arab affiliations and activist family ties make him a scary candidate to be our president, though he has a great personality and oratory.

Hillary and husband Bill are no less frightening.

Read the article provided by the link and decide for yourself.

POOKIE'S - IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

CLICK ON TITLES BELOW TO VIEW

It’s 3 a.m.: Another Long Night in the White House (video)

What Is The Obamatrix?

Oh-Bama (audio)

Obama’s Messianic Creds

McCain & Gray Lady: Love Story (audio)

eBay: Choose new middle name for Barack HUSSEIN Obama

POOKIE'S - IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

Hillary Clinton denied on Friday that her praise for Barack Obama in the Texas debate was a concession speech. She knows what she's doing. She figures if she can stay in the race until Easter there's a chance that Barack Obama will just float away.

The Secret Service ordered Dallas police to stop screening people for weapons as they entered an arena for Barack Obama's speech Wednesday because the line was slow. There's no reason to worry. For crying out loud, it's Dallas, what could happen?

Mike Huckabee said Friday his goal is a deadlocked GOP convention this summer even though John McCain has already virtually clinched the nomination. He's no good at mathematics. When he was in high school, Mike Huckabee refused to take geometry because he believes geometry is just Satan's way of getting children to draw his symbols.

The U.S. Navy's successful demolition of a falling satellite caused a sensation in diplomatic circles around the globe. The missile was reconfigured in less than a month to hit a satellite, and it was fired from a Navy ship at sea, and it worked just perfectly. Michelle Obama said it made her feel moderately proud of her country.

The Pentagon questioned Barack Obama Saturday for saying in the last debate that U.S. troops are using Taliban weapons because it's faster than getting U.S. weapons delivered. Don't expect much news coverage. CNN and MSNBC will admit President Bush was right about something before they admit that Barack Obama was wrong about something.

Ralph Nader launched his presidential bid on Meet the Press Sunday. Democrats had to shudder. Ralph Nader has such a reputation as a spoiler that U.S. agriculture officials have orders to shoot him on sight if they see him near a meat packing plant.

Gennifer Flowers said Monday she is going to sell the recordings of her phone conversations with Bill Clinton. She said there's historical interest in the tapes of a sitting American president talking to his mistress. It's of historical interest to young people who want to know what phone sex was like before there were chat rooms.

Barack Obama met off-camera Monday with Jewish leaders who wanted to hear his support for Israel. They're worried about his willingness to talk to Iran, his ties to Jimmy Carter advisors, and his endorsement by Louis Farrakhan. They wanted to remind him privately that if he's going to be Jesus, he has to remember he is Jewish.

Hillary Clinton cited a Saturday Night Live skit to complain that Barack Obama gets worshipful press coverage. Reporters missed her remarks. They were standing in line to get into a arena where Barack Obama was performing the blessing of the microphones.

John McCain rebuked an Ohio radio talk show host who introduced him at a rally Tuesday. The guy called Obama a terrorist-coddling hack politician from Chicago. Senator McCain used his sternest tones to point out that Senator Obama is from Hawaii.

Hillary Clinton on Tuesday found herself barely holding on in the polls in Texas, slightly leading in Ohio and just ahead in Pennsylvania, and she must win all three or she's finished. No wonder the turnout has been so good. Hollywood has known for a hundred years that nothing draws a crowd like tying a blonde to the railroad tracks.

Barack Obama's church faces an IRS probe for letting him make a political speech at the church's convention. No problem. The church has a million hours of cable news footage to prove he is Jesus, so they will have no trouble proving it was just a business trip.

John McCain was reported Wednesday to be interested in Florida governor Charlie Crist as his running mate. How smart. If Democrats nominate Obama, John McCain should select the Florida governor and give the voters a clear choice between Jesus and Crist.

Cincinnati radio host Bill Cunningham slammed John McCain for repudiating his onstage intro of the senator, during which he called Obama a terrorist-coddling hack politician from Chicago. It's crazy. The radio guy decided in anger to endorse Hillary Clinton, who is refusing his endorsement saying he's too soft on Barack Obama.

Hillary Clinton spoke for three hours in a gymnasium in Ohio on Wednesday. It's absolutely amazing how nature always replenishes itself. The moment Fidel Castro retires from public life, another party member arises to take the three-hour time slot.

John McCain was reported Thursday to have been born in Panama. Our three choices are a Kenyan, a Panamanian and a woman linked to Bill Clinton. The reason they ran for president is because not one of them could pass the background check to be a nanny.

The Democratic Party candidates debate between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama drew a record eight million viewers for MSNBC. It's no surprise. Ever since colonial times, witch burnings have been an effective stunt during the February ratings sweeps.

Hillary Clinton said she raised thirty-five million dollars in February. She's finally gotten the hang of Internet fundraising. It turns out the only three ways to make money on the Internet are pornography, gambling and promising free health care.

-- Argus Hamilton

Now that he’s the Republican front-runner, it looks like John McCain has changed his position on torture. He’s now in favor of waterboarding, but only in very limited cases. Like if you’re editor of The New York Times.

The New York Times did it again. Today they released a story suggesting Hillary was sleeping with Bill. There’s only so much you can believe.

Ralph Nader has decided to run for president. Well you thought Mike Huckabee didn’t know when to quit.

Problems for Hillary Clinton: There are 14 states to go, and she only has 12 pantsuits left.

Political experts are now saying it is impossible for Hillary Clinton to win, and everyone is urging her to call it quits and go home to Bill, except of course, Bill: “Stay out there, Honey. Keep fighting!”

Former candidate Chris Dodd has given his support for Barack Obama. You know what that means: Dozens more people will now vote for Obama.

Another Democratic debate last night. This time in Ohio. The big winner? “American Idol.”

This has been their 20th debate! C’mon! I mean, Hillary hasn’t been alone with Bill that many times.

Hillary Clinton criticized the media the other night, during the debates, for always asking her the first question. I don’t know. Is that her biggest concern? The way the polls are going right now, she’s very close to being asked her last question.

Here’s a crazy story. According to The New York Times, even though both of John McCain’s parents were American citizens and were serving in the armed forces at the time, there could be a constitutional argument he can’t be president because he wasn’t born in this country, he was born in Panama.

Now they are questioning if Ralph Nader is eligible because it turns out that he doesn’t appear to be born on planet earth.

- - Leno

This just in: Barack Obama says he has a plan for getting us out of the Academy Awards.

Ralph Nader looks like a guy who comes into town once a year for supplies.

Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. She’s getting pretty desperate. Today, she accused Barack of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house.

Bill Clinton has been getting in the way of Hillary’s campaign. And she’s really upset about it. So upset, she’s encouraged him to start dating again.

Hillary Clinton is down there in Texas, campaigning hard. She pulling out all the stops. Today, she was campaigning in a rawhide pantsuit. Pundits say she has different personalities:

One day she has one personality, the next day another. Today, she is Brunehilde, the dominatrix.

- - Letterman

Ralph Nader has announced he is for running president again. His announcement has filled millions of people with excitement and hope. And these people are called Republicans.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign is trying to embarrass Barack Obama. They’ve circulated pictures of Obama wearing Somali tribal dress. Obama wanted to strike back, but there are no pictures of Hillary wearing a dress.

There are some birthdays today: Ralph Nader and Elizabeth Taylor. Two very different people, of course. One is a crazy old bitch who is out of touch with reality, the other one is Liz Taylor.

- - Craig Ferguson

Sen. Hillary Clinton has once again accused Barack Obama of plagiarizing a speech from another politician. Hillary said, “Plagiarizing is the second worst kind of cheating.”

This week, footage surfaced of Sen. Ted Kennedy singing in Spanish to a Latino group. There was an awkward moment when someone in the crowd pointed at Kennedy’s head and said, “Look — the piñata is singing!”

Things getting nasty between the Clinton and Obama campaigns. Hillary Clinton’s campaign has been circulating a photo of Barack Obama in a traditional Somali dress.

Meanwhile, Obama’s campaign has been circulating a photo of Hillary wearing a traditional Somali pantsuit.

Yesterday, someone released a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional African dress. As a result, Barack has been offered a starring role in "Big Momma's House III."

Ralph Nader announced that he's once again going to run for president. Nader says he's running because he's tired of Mike Huckabee stealing all the “no chance in hell” vote.

A photo has been circulating of Obama in a turban. This should actually help Obama with a key group of voters in New York: taxi drivers.

- - Conan O'Brien

The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA)

WASHINGTON, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation which will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Senator Barbara Boxer.

“We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance.

Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement “warehouse” stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million “middle man” positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance- based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled. For example, it bans discriminatory interview questions such as “Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?”

“As a Non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan , due to her lack of any discernible job skills. “This new law should really help people like me.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy: “As a Senator With No Abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities.

It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”

Yes, it’s a joke. At least for now. With our government there are no guarantees about tomorrow.
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President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and sees them... "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big boobs. "The guy exclaimed," A blonde with big boobs?Why kill a blonde with big boobs?"

Cheney looks at Bush and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.

REQUIREMENTS FOR WORKING IN MEXICO

American Working In Mexico From the other side of the fence...

Received the following from Tom O'Malley, who was a Director withS.W. BELL in Mexico City :

'I spent five years working in Mexico. I worked under a tourist Visa for three months and could legally renew it for three more months. After that you were working illegally. I was technicallyillegal for three weeks waiting on the FM3 approval.

'During that six months our Mexican and U.S. attorneys wereworking to secure a permanent work visa called a 'FM3'. It was inaddition to my U.S. passport that I had to show each time I enteredand left the country.

Barbara's was the same, except hers did not permit her to work.'To apply for the FM3, I needed to submit the following notarized originals (not copies):
1. Birth certificate for Barbara and me.
2. Marriage certificate.
3. High school transcripts and proof of graduation.
4. College transcripts for every college I attended and proof of graduation.
5. Two letters of recommendation from supervisors for whom I had worked for at least one year.
6. A letter from the St. Louis Chief of Police indicating that I had no arrest record in the U.S. and no outstanding warrants and, was 'a citizen in good standing.'
7. 'Finally, I had to write a letter about myself that clearly stated why there was no Mexican citizen with my skills and why my skills were important to Mexico . We called it our 'I am the greatest person on Earth' letter. It was fun to write. '

All of the above were in English that had to be translated into Spanish and be certified as legal translations, and our signatures notarized. It produced a folder about 1.5 inches thick with English on the left side and Spanish on the right.

'Once they were completed Barbara and I spent about five hours, accompanied by a Mexican attorney, touring Mexican government office locations and being photographed and fingerprinted at least three times at each location, and we remember at least four locations where we were instructed on Mexican tax, labor, housing, and criminal law and that we were required to obey their laws or face the consequences.

We could not protest any of the government's actions or we would becommitting a felony. We paid out four thousand dollars in fees andbribes to complete the process. When this was done we could legallybring in our household goods that were held by U.S. Customs inLaredo, Texas.

This meant we had rented furniture in Mexico while awaiting our goods. There were extensive fees involved here that the company paid.

'We could not buy a home and were required to rent at very highrates and under contract and compliance with Mexican law.

'We were required to get a Mexican driver's license. This wasan amazing process. The company arranged for the licensing agency tocome to our headquarters location with their photography andfingerprint equipment and the laminating machine.

We showed our U.S.license, were photographed and fingerprinted again and issued thelicense instantly after paying out a six dollar fee. We did not take awritten or driving test and never received instructions on the rulesof the road.

Our only instruction was to never give a policeman yourlicense if stopped and asked. We were instructed to hold it againstthe inside window away from his grasp.

If he got his hands on it youwould have to pay ransom to get it back.'

We then had to pay and file Mexican income tax annually using the number of our FM3 as our ID number. The company's Mexican accountants did this for us and we just signed what they prepared. It was about twenty legal size pages annually.

'The FM3 was good for three years and renewable for two moreafter paying more fees. 'Leaving the country meant turning in the FM3and certifying we were leaving no debts behind and no outstandinglegal affairs (warrants, tickets or liens) before our household goodswere released to customs.''

It was a real adventure and if any of our Senators or Congressmen went through it once they would have a different attitude toward Mexico.

'The Mexican government uses its vast military and policeforces to keep its citizens intimidated and compliant.

They neverprotest at their capitol or government offices, but do protest dailyin front of the United States Embassy.

The U.S. Embassy looks like a strongly reinforced fortress and duringmost protests the Mexican military surrounds the block with their menstanding shoulder to shoulder in full riot gear to protect the Embassy. These protests are never shown on U.S or Mexican TV.

There is a large public park across the street where they do their protesting.Anything can cause a protest such as proposed law changes inCalifornia or Texas.

Please feel free to share this with everyone who thinks we are beinghard on the illegals.