Monday, December 24, 2007


Journalists discover the Earth will explode in 12 hours. How do they cover it?

The New York Times would announce: "World Ends Tomorrow; Women, Minorities Will Suffer Most."

USA Today would counter with: "We're Outta Here!"

Meanwhile The Washington Post would feature: "Everything's Just Fine, Anonymous CIA Source says."

As the good news began emanating from Iraq this fall, the McClatchy News Service, lauded by media leftists like Bill Moyers as having the smart reporters who always thought the Iraq War was a fight without a point, ran this headline:

"As Violence Falls in Iraq, Cemetery Workers Feel the Pinch."

(Alan Note: another MEDIA attempt to denigrate the Surge reported that "gangsterism has increased since the surge"!

They were referring to one neighborhood where the locals had tapped into a city water pipe and were stealing the water!!!)

If that is the BAD news, then we have made huge progress.
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, ‘God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.’

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, ‘Here I am God. I’m still waiting.’

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the Professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, ‘What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?’

The Marine calmly replied, ‘God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot.

So, He sent me.’
Stephen Colbert was voted AP Celebrity of the Year by newspaper editors and broadcast producers who said Colbert had the biggest impact on pop culture in 2007.

He finished just a nudge above J.K. Rowling, who authored the final book in her enormously popular "Harry Potter" series.

Finishing third was Al Gore, whose year included an Oscar, an Emmy, a Nobel Peace Prize and the global concert Live Earth.

Colbert has declined interviews during the writers strike that has shuttered his show, but he told The Associated Press by e-mail:

"In receiving this award, I am pleased that I was chosen over two great spinners of fantasy — J.K. Rowling and Al Gore."

Barack Obama's campaign staffers on Friday dismissed any suggestion that his past cocaine use might become a harmful campaign issue. Cocaine makes you feel like you rule the world. Everybody who quits the drug runs for president just to fill the hole.

Hillary Clinton reminded Iowans on Friday there's nothing new that Republicans can throw at her after sixteen years of battle. She said she was tested. If your husband slept around like Bill Clinton did, you would be tested too, and regularly.

Mike Huckabee chided President Bush Friday for having an arrogant bunker mentality on foreign policy and added that it's time for a change from the president's go-it-alone style. It's official.

You couldn't be sure the world had turned upside down until a Southern Baptist told an Episcopalian to loosen up and go with the flow.

The Weather Channel showed snow and ice and cold temperatures blanketing a lot of America Monday. It caused confusion.

There was momentary euphoria at Democratic headquarters when the USA Today weather map showed that there are now forty-nine blue states. (Editor's note: Al Gore called for a recount)

John Edwards spent Sunday in Iowa pitching his universal health plan. His plan could make a difference. It turns out all the king's horses and all the king's men could have put Humpty together again, but the procedure wasn't covered by his insurance.

Hillary Clinton's campaign chartered a helicopter Sunday so she can fly around the state of Iowa and shake hands with the voters for five days. Her aides have dubbed it the Hill-O-Copter.
Pretending to be Irish has always worked for her husband.

Barack Obama attended church in Mason City on Sunday at the First Congregational Church. This is the denomination of the Puritan settlers who landed in America. He is doing absolutely everything he can to distance himself from these drug allegations.

Hillary Clinton denied any role in bringing up Barack Obama's past cocaine use. Her pal Bob Kerrey said he only mentioned that Barack's middle name was Hussein as a compliment. Tune in next week when they assure Senator Barbara Mikulski they don't tell Polish jokes.

Ron Paul set a fundraising record with six million dollars in one day Sunday. He's for a pullout from Iraq, abolishing the IRS and legalizing pot. Eighteen-year-olds got the vote thirty-five years ago but this is the first time they've considered using it.

The National Enquirer said Wednesday that John Edwards has a pregnant girlfriend who has gone into hiding for the duration of the campaign. It would finish him if he got some girl pregnant. He has been claiming for years that he's a protectionist.

Afghanistan reported a record poppy harvest Monday, threatening a worldwide increase in opium. It's about to be a campaign issue. Hillary Clinton wants it known that a Muslim country with a drug problem is in no way a veiled reference to Barack Obama.

Time magazine named Vladimir Putin Person of the Year on Wednesday. He owes his entire career to the magazine's parent company Time Warner. Most people get a lot of laughs when they first see Arsenic and Old Lace, but Vladimir Putin got the recipe.

Rudy Giuliani gave an interview Wednesday and cited threats against him by the mob as the reason he had to give police protection to his mistress. He knows both sides. The difference between the Mafia and the government is that one of them is organized.

The National Enquirer reported Wednesday that John Edwards got a young lady pregnant while campaigning for president this summer. This can only mean one thing. John Edwards has decided he won't concede the adultery vote to the Clintons without a fight.

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida.

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

1. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

2. Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

3. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

HAT TIP POOKIE 18 (Merry Xmas to Pookie)

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