Bill and Hillary Clinton spent the weekend campaigning separately. It's a good tandem. While Hillary was in Iowa offering free health care Saturday, Bill was in Texas offering to take Jessica Simpson off Tony Romo's hands til after the Super Bowl.
Charlie Wilson's War opened Friday, about a hard-drinking and coke-snorting and womanizing U.S. congressman who secretly helped Muslim rebels beat the Soviet Army in Afghanistan in the Eighties. In the end he felt betrayed. He helped Ronald Reagan to defeat the Soviets and then Nancy Reagan thanked him by overthrowing his lifestyle.
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates reported back to Washington Friday following his fact-finding mission to Iraq. Despite recent military success, the government remains completely dysfunctional. Perhaps the United States isn't ready for democracy.
Rudy Giuliani ordered his New York-bound plane to turn around and return to St. Louis where he was hospitalized Wednesday. He insisted on going to Barnes Jewish Hospital. He did not want any of Mike Huckabee's people standing near the oxygen hose.
House Democrats adjourned Congress Friday with approval ratings even lower than the president's. It's just awful. If congressmen weren't allowed to wear their pants any higher than their approval ratings, they'd all be doing Bill Clinton impressions.
Barack Obama complained Thursday about his opponents bringing up his past drug use. He admits using cocaine, but he now acts wounded if anyone brings it up. Iowa voters are very upset that he used cocaine, they believe he should have used ethanol.
Hillary Clinton campaigned in New Hampshire Saturday in the lobby of a YWCA in the town of Manchester. She's always had a soft spot in her heart for New Hampshire. The state's motto is Live Free or Die, and Bill had it inserted in their marriage vows.
Mike Huckabee said the glowing cross over his shoulder in his Christmas ad was accidental.
He says that's just how the light hit a bookcase behind him. As long as Mike Huckabee is campaigning, how can Burger King call itself the Home of the Whopper?
Hillary Clinton promised to fulfill America's promise to veterans at the Iowa Veterans Home in Marshalltown. She once tried to enlist in the Marines in the early Seventies, but she was turned down. They told her we weren't that mad at the Viet Cong.
President Bush warned reporters on Thursday about the danger of Iran's nuclear program. He really shouldn't worry. If history is any guide, Iran will use its nuclear power for peaceful purposes, unless somebody draws a cartoon they don't like.
Rudy Giuliani had to assure reporters Monday he's perfectly healthy. The press has been grilling him about tests done in a St. Louis hospital last week. Apparently someone in Hillary's campaign is spreading rumors that he tested positive for cocaine.
Democratic officials expressed worry Monday about how to get first-time caucus goers to show up at the Iowa caucuses next week. The candidates worry their people have promised to show up but they won't keep their promises. What goes around comes around.
Benazir Bhutto was killed while waving to the crowd through the sunroof of her car. It's a campaign issue. Hillary called for calm, John McCain called for action, and Ralph Nader may join the race just to raise the issue that sunroofs are dangerous.
The Israeli Ambassador at the United Nations began, “Ladies and gentlemen, before I commence with my speech, I want to relay an old Passover story to all of you…
“When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt toward the Promised Land, he had to go through the nearly endless Sinai desert. The people became thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his staff and a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. The people rejoiced and drank to their hearts’ contend.
“Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters. Only when Moses came out of the water, he discovered that al his clothes had been stolen. “And,” he said, “I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole my clothes.”
The Palestinian delegate, hearing this accusation, jumps from his seat and screams out, “This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at that time!”
“And with that in mind,” said the Israeli Ambassador, “let me now begin my speech.”
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After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by GeorgeWashington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What the hell did you think I said?"
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The Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks.
Mahmoud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Bush says, "You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmoud asks.
Bush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
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Chelsea Clinton was departing her plane at the airport and came upon a soldier and proceeded to talk to him.
She asked him where he had been, to which he replied “Baghdad”. She praised him for what he had done for the country and asked “Were you scared?”
He replied, “No, but I am scared about what I am facing as I return to the United States.” Chelsea asked, “What are you afraid of as you return to the United States?”
He looked seriously at her and said “I am afraid of three things: Osama, Obama and Yomama.”
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In a news conference Deanna Favre announced she will be the starting QB for the Packers during the playoffs.
She claimed she is qualified to be starting QB because she has spent the past 16 years married to Brett while he played QB for the Packers. Because of this she understands how to pick up a corner blitz and knows the terminology of the Packers offense. A poll of Packers fans shows that 50% of those polled supported the move.
Does this sounds idiotic and unbelievable to you?
Yet Hillary Clinton makes the same claims as to why she is qualified to be President and 50% of democrats polled agreed.
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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: "We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here."
JOHN KERRY: "Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it."
PAT BUCHANAN: "To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American."
BILL CLINTON: " I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?"
AL GORE: "I invented the chicken!"
DICK CHENEY: "Where's my gun?"
AL SHARPTON: "Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens."
HILLARY CLINTON: "I have vast experience with chickens and if elected, I will ensure that EVERY chicken has the ability to cross any road they desire."
Hat Tip Pookie 18
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