Monday, November 5, 2007


Rudy Giuliani was reported Thursday to have been saved from assassination by the Mafia twenty years ago by a vote of the five crime bosses. Two voted to have him killed and three voted to let him live. That's a sixty percent approval rating anyway you cut it.

Playboy magazine says online sex is rapidly replacing the real thing for young people. It's true. Republicans used to make fun of Al Gore for saying he invented the Internet, now they accuse him of inventing the Internet while he denies everything.

San Diego bought emergency supplies of electricity from Mexico Monday as fires severed power lines. The country has bountiful natural resources. In addition to oil and silver and tequila, Mexico's the number-one producer of American public schoolchildren.

Hillary Clinton surged to a thirty-one point lead in the nationwide polls last week, two months before the primaries begin. Her camp is getting cocky. Bill Clinton dropped by the White House on Tuesday to measure the Oval Office for privacy curtains.

Rudy Giuliani said Monday if Hillary Clinton's health care plan had passed he would never have survived his prostate cancer. She might have saved his life. She saved Bill Clinton's life a dozen times just by forgetting to unplug the lamp before she threw it.

Mitt Romney ripped Hillary Clinton Monday, saying America doesn't need an intern president. He's one confused candidate. Last week he talked about Barack Obama and called him Osama bin Laden and now he's referring to Hillary Clinton as Monica Lewinsky.

Hillary Clinton led a poll Monday of which presidential candidate would make the scariest Halloween costume, and Rudy Giuliani finished a distant second. Rudy tries to scare the voters every day about terrorist threats, yet Hillary is still considered scarier. That's how much the American people are afraid of tax increases.

Jerry Ford recorded his deepest beliefs for a book called Write It When I'm Gone, which was published Monday. He revealed, in remarks he wanted published posthumously, that he thought Bill Clinton was a sex addict. Some guys are always the last to get the word.

Dennis Kucinich stole the show at the Democratic presidential debate Tuesday when he revealed he saw a UFO twenty years ago in the Pacific Northwest. However, he's not an idiot. He said he does not favor giving driver's licenses to space aliens.
-- Argus Hamilton

Here’s an odd one: Argentina’s first lady was elected the new president of Argentina, which makes the former president the new “first spouse.” Or as President Bill Clinton calls him, “My future wing man.”

Yesterday, on “60 Minutes,” French President Nicolas Sarkozy got up and left in the middle of the interview. Citizens of France say the president acted rudely — and they’ve never been prouder.

Presidential candidate Bill Richardson called on all candidates to end all negative campaigning. When they heard this, all the other candidates rolled their eyes and said, “Whatever you say, fatboy.”

Sources in Barack Obama’s campaign say that Obama has been watching old tapes of Bill Clinton to improve his style. Which explains why Obama now starts every sentence with “Honey, I can explain.”

Last night, yet another Democratic debate. Sen. Barack Obama accused Hillary Clinton of frequently changing positions. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “I wish.”

Political experts are criticizing Hillary Clinton’s performance at the recent debate as her worst performance of the year. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “That’s what you think.”
- - Conan O'Brien

Lot of candidates getting into the Halloween spirit. Today, John Edwards said he was going to get a $15 haircut and go as someone from the other America.

According to the latest polls, Chris Dodd is at zero percent of the vote. Zero percent! Do you know what that means? Even he isn’t voting for himself.

Ron Paul is a congressman and a doctor. He’s also a practicing gynecologist. He’s the only presidential candidate to tell women to take off their clothes more times than Bill Clinton.

There was another Democratic debate last night in Philadelphia. Boy, the other candidates really went after Hillary Clinton. The only Democrat who didn’t jump on Hillary was her husband Bill.

In his latest rambling, Osama bin Laden is now calling for his followers to avoid “extremism.” Because the last thing you want in a suicide bomber is some sort of radical wacko.

Dennis Kucinich admitted during the debate the other night that he had seen a UFO close up. Dennis Kucinich doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would see a UFO. He seems like the kind of guy you’d see coming out of a UFO.

Hillary Clinton’s meltdown during the debates the other night continues to be the big story. Even Bill Clinton said it was Hillary’s worst performance since their honeymoon.
- - Leno

Democratic debate last night. Tough night for Bill Richardson. During the entire debate, the only question Tim Russert asked was, “. . . And you are?

Does anyone know anything about Dennis Kucinich running for president? Can you prove it? In the debate he claimed he once saw a UFO. He also claims aliens introduced him to his hot wife.
- - Letterman

There was a new survey on the scariest costume for Halloween. People say the scariest costume is Hillary Clinton. She got 300 votes — most of them from Bill, probably. Bill said, “Take off the mask, honey . . . No, put it back on. I’m scared.”

Big Democratic debate tonight. Reports say Barack Obama gets ready for the debates by studying Bill Clinton’s techniques. I guess that would explain why he wasn’t wearing any pants.

Not a good day for Hillary Clinton. She was criticized by Mitt Romney. He was saying that she has no experience; he called her an intern. It’s ridiculous! If she was an intern, Bill would be sleeping with her.
- - Craig Ferguson

A tourist driving along the highway decides to stop at a bar. There, he sees Hillary Clinton being interviewed on the overhead TV. He shouts "Hillary is a horse's rear end!" Immediately, three patrons start punching him.

As he gets to his feet, he says to the bartender "wow, this must be Clinton country!"

And the bartender replies "Nope--horse country."


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