Monday, February 18, 2008


Ron Paul announced Friday that suicide terrorism expert Robert Pape of the University of Chicago is joining his campaign as an adviser. This can only mean one thing. Ron Paul has decided to run as a third-party candidate and blow up the Republican party with him.

Focus on the Family's James Dobson endorsed Mike Huckabee on Friday. Religious conservatives all agree on right-to-life, prayer in school, and opposition to gay marriage, but Mike Huckabee went the extra mile. He promised to force TV Land to cancel Bewitched.

NBC News anchor David Shuster was suspended Friday for saying Bill and Hillary Clinton were pimping out Chelsea to win votes. The girl's just doing her best. What are you supposed to do with a degree from Stanford and Oxford in today's economy?

Hillary Clinton was endorsed by the American Nurses Association in Tacoma last week. Her family has deep ties with that union. The moment Bill Clinton woke up in the recovery room after his heart surgery four years ago he took a turn for the nurse.

Barack Obama upset Hillary Clinton in four primaries last weekend. It was voter greed, pure and simple. Bill Clinton's made so much money since he cheated on Hillary that all the Democrats have decided to see another candidate behind her back.

Barack Obama won a Grammy for the Best Spoken Word Album for the audio version of his book at the Grammy Awards in Los Angeles Sunday. Everybody likes the guy. Barack Obama's so popular that even the Ku Klux Klan just offered him half-membership.

Mike Huckabee beat John McCain in Louisiana and Kansas on Saturday. The voters prefer a funny minister to a serious war hero. Ever since America became the world's only superpower we've been electing our presidents based on their entertainment value.

Dick Cheney celebrated his sixty-seventh birthday last weekend with family and friends at home in Maryland. His health is fine. The vice president blew out all the candles without a problem, unless you consider buckshot in the wallpaper a problem.

-- Argus Hamilton

Amazing how quickly things change in politics. I was discussing it this morning with my driver, Mitt Romney.
That leaves McCain and Huckabee. The old guy and the preacher. Which brings up the philosophical question: Which one is closer to God?

Hillary Clinton has the support of Bill Clinton, L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, and San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, or as she calls them, the party unfaithful.

Yesterday, Hillary’s female campaign manager resigned. You know what that means — Bill got caught again.
Newsweek estimates that Bill Clinton made between 10 and 15 million dollars last year for speaking engagements. That explains why Hillary never speaks to him anymore — she can’t afford it.

Awkward moment in Hillary Clinton’s campaign. I guess she told her staff to call Democrats with money, and they called Barack Obama.

They did a poll on whether Bill’s campaigning for Hillary helped her or hurt her. Well, 38 percent thought it helped; 36 percent thought it hurt. Then 26 percent said, “He never told me he was married!”

Not a good night for Hillary Clinton. She got the pantsuit beaten off of her.

Barack Obama now considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her.

As you know, Barack has won the last eight primaries. I haven’t seen hillary this worried since they opened a Hooters in Chappaqua.

It’s Valentine’s Day. What do you call it when Bill and Hillary get together on Valentine’s Day? A fundraiser.

This has not been a good week for Hillary. I guess Bill bought her a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day . . . turns out seven of the roses have committed to Michelle Obama.

Mexican President Felipe Calderon is visiting the United States. Before hand he came here, he sent his advance team — all 12 million of them.

- - Leno

Fashion Week this week. Hillary Clinton was wearing her strapless pantsuit.

Cold today in New York City. So cold, Al Gore wasn’t answering his phone.

- - Letterman

Last night, Barack Obama won a Grammy for his audio book. He’s on a roll! “What did you do over the weekend?” “I won four primaries and a Grammy.” He beat four nominees, including Bill Clinton’s audio book. Barack Obama beating a Clinton?

They’re getting kind of used to that. I’ve heard Bill’s audio book — it’s not that good. it’s two hours of heavy breathing.

Bad news for Hillary Clinton. She’s lost more primaries! She’s calling her supporters to let them know her campaign is not in financial trouble. The embarrassing part is she’s calling them collect.

Earlier today Hillary promised that her husband wouldn’t be involved in any sex scandals if she were elected president. Also today, Bill Clinton backed Barack Obama.

Bill Clinton had a big Valentine’s Day celebration today, got a fancy hotel room covered in candles and rose petals for the woman he loves . . . then he went home to Hillary.

- - Craig Ferguson

Democrats are split pretty evenly between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. I say, when in doubt let your favorite celebrity decide for you. I usually vote for whomever Cher is voting for.

- - Jimmy Kimmel

Sen. Hillary Clinton has now lost eight primaries in a row to Barack Obama. Hillary dismissed Obama’s success by saying, "He’s only winning states with a huge African-American population — like Maine."

During this past week, many people have been saying that Barack Obama has an edge over Hillary Clinton because of his wife Michelle. Actually, the only person saying that is Bill Clinton.

- - Conan O'Brien

Obama is just creaming Hillary in all these primaries. Hillary says that it's not fair because they're being held in February & February is black history month. Unfortunately for Hillary there's no white b*tch month.

- - Penn Jillette

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