Monday, February 11, 2008


Barack Obama hinted Friday that illegal immigrant opponents are racists, saying no one's concerned about immigrants from Ireland. That's not true. Hillary Clinton is very concerned about immigrants from Ireland ever since the Kennedys endorsed Obama.

Hillary Clinton debated Barack Obama at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood Thursday. During the last debate they bickered and fought but this time they smiled and praised each other. The audience at the debate would have known that make-up sex is the best, if everyone in Hollywood didn't move on as soon as the waiter put the check on the table.

Bill Clinton attacked Ted Kennedy for endorsing President Bush's No Child Left Behind after Teddy attacked Bill Clinton for being divisive. They used to have so much in common. No one's seen two dogs fight like this since Michael Vick was locked up.

Super Tuesday could decide the presidential nominees in primaries across America today. The field is shrinking. Last week Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the race and endorsed John McCain and John Edwards dropped out and endorsed Vidal Sassoon.

Hillary Clinton was at Yale Monday to reunite with an old legal colleague from her days as a child advocate. She got emotional. It's been so long since she's been face-to-face with a former law partner without a glass partition and a guard watching.

Mike Huckabee won in West Virginia, Alabama, Arkansas, Tennessee and Georgia plus strong finishes in Oklahoma and Missouri Tuesday. He's a Southern Baptist minister. Mike Huckabee's held more people under water than the CIA and the East Germans put together.

Barack Obama stunned pollsters Tuesday by getting half the white voters in the Georgia Democratic primary. They'd rather vote for a black guy who declared his candidacy in Abe Lincoln's hometown than for Mrs. Bill Clinton. To people who remember the Civil War as if it were yesterday, oral sex is not adultery was just this morning.

Super Tuesday brought out a big turnout in states with a high number of Latino voters. They voted their interests. It was a stroke of genius when Hillary Clinton changed her name to Amnesty Winehouse just before the California polls opened Tuesday.

Mike Huckabee quoted the Bible Wednesday as he discussed his primary wins. Many people feel there's too much religion in politics now. Voters are tired of news commentators shouting hallelujah whenever they mention Barack Obama's name on the air.

Hillary Clinton admitted Wednesday she had to loan her campaign five million dollars of her own money to make up for a sudden fundraising shortfall. The public lapped it up. Hillary hasn't even been elected yet and already the Clintons are leaping from ice floe to ice floe as the river current takes them toward Niagara Falls.

Dick Cheney and John McCain spoke to the conservative conference in Washington Thursday. There was a lot of bad blood. John McCain had just said he wants to keep troops in Iraq for one hundred years and Dick Cheney took him to the woodshed for setting timetables.

-- Argus Hamilton

If Sen. John McCain wins, he will be the oldest president to take office. But the good news? At age 71, he would be eligible for pre-boarding on Air Force One.

Action stars are endorsing candidates. Mike Huckabee has Chuck Norris; Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone came out for John McCain; and today, Clinton picked up Janet Reno.

How about those commercials during the Super Bowl? There was one called “My Talking Stain.” Sounds like Bill Clinton’s worst nightmare.

John Edwards said that even though he is out of the presidential race, he still cares for the little people, and to prove it, he had lunch with Dennis Kucinich.

Hillary Clinton lost her voice last night in the primaries. In the ultimate irony, she had to ask one of Bill’s interns for a throat lozenge. What are the odds?

Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. She won here in California. Her people were worried; they thought it would be close. This was Hillary’s longest night not looking for her husband.

John McCain was the big Republican winner. One pundit said McCain’s lucky nickel was working. He carries a lucky nickel. It must be lucky — six months ago, that was his campaing war chest.

Hillary Clinton also carries around a lucky nickel. Not for superstitious reasons — she just flips it when she needs a position on Iraq.

There’s a new movie out: “Over My Dead Body.” It’s about Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

- - Leno

Well, it’s all over now . . . Hillary can remove the duct tape from Bill’s mouth.

- - Letterman

Hillary Clinton is having money problems. To keep her campaign alive, she had to spend $5 million of her family's money. Bill Clinton was very upset. Five million dollars is two months at the strip club.

He said, "Damn it Hillary I want that money back . . . and I want it in singles."

- - Craig Ferguson

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton locked horns for a debate last night. The tone was much more friendly than their last debate. In fact, they even shared a room together after the debate. That would be great revenge for the Bill and Monica thing. How furious would Oprah be?

- - Jimmy Kimmel

Hillary teared up again. She did it at Yale University. Pundits are saying this might make the difference . . . her crying might make the difference for her. This got me thinking: Maybe I should give it a shot.

Super Tuesday last night. Tough night for Hillary. She has been accused of frequently switching he positions. To which Bill Clinton said, “I wish.”

Big night for John McCain. He has been taking his 95-year-old mother along with him in his campaign bus. None of the other candidates are traveling with their mothers, but Bill Clinton is traveling with several MILFs.

- - Conan O'Brien

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