ODDS & ENDS 01/21

In Case You Missed It Dept

Scotland Yard detectives arrived in Pakistan to render an honest investigation into Benazir Bhutto's assassination last week. it's about time. No one believed the military government's announcement that Benazir Bhutto was killed by an escaped tiger.

Hillary Clinton was campaigning door-to-door in Nevada Friday when one man told her his wife was illegal and Hillary told him that no woman is illegal. She misspoke. What she meant to say is that there's nothing a woman can do in Nevada that's illegal.

Hillary Clinton was advised to skip the South Carolina primary on Friday after Barack Obama opened up a double-digit lead. That's very good advice. Barack Obama's ancestors were black on his father's side of the family and slave owners on his mother's side, so it is completely pointless to run against him in South Carolina.

Bill Clinton made black people feel betrayed last week when he implied that Barack Obama's candidacy was a fairy tale. They protected him against Republicans. Bill Clinton is the first white Southerner to move into Harlem for his own personal safety.

GOP candidate Ron Paul scheduled another huge Internet fundraiser this holiday Monday. It's a perfect date. It allows him to tell Michigan voters the fundraiser is on Martin Luther King's birthday and South Carolina voters it's on Robert E. Lee's.

Hillary Clinton went on NBC's Meet the Press Sunday to answer charges that she has made unflattering remarks about civil rights heroes. She looked puzzled when she was asked about the King criticism. She would never criticize Elvis, she's married to him.

Hillary Clinton accused Barack Obama of injecting race into the campaign. Last week, her husband said the word fairy in the same sentence as Obama's name, and she just used the word injections. Now that the Clintons have implied that he's gay and shares needles, Barack Obama could carry California without even campaigning out here.

Dallas Cowboys star Terrell Owens cried at his press conference Sunday after losing to the New York Giants. He got a lot of support. Hillary Clinton called him in the locker room and told him that if he really wants to win he should cry before the game.

Bill and Hillary Clinton went on the air Sunday to defuse black outrage at them over remarks on race. It was great fun. The best show in politics is watching the Clintons hanging upside-down in a straitjacket and seeing if they can get out alive.

Barack Obama called a press conference in Reno Monday to try to calm down the tone in his primary contest with Hillary Clinton. It pits a candidate from the oppressor gender and victim race against someone from the oppressor race and victim gender. It has Democrats spinning in circles so fast they're too dizzy to vote.

Barack Obama said Monday Hillary Clinton's reference to Martin Luther King last week was unfortunate. She said it took President Johnson and Congress to get the Civil Rights Bill passed forty years ago. It is totally against the spirit of today's Democratic party to say anything nice about a president with a ranch in Texas.

BET founder Bob Johnson brought up Barack Obama's past cocaine use in a speech Tuesday. The candidate was raised in Los Angeles in the atmosphere of the late Seventies. Barack Obama was halfway through Harvard before he found out that blow is also a verb.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John Edwards discussed their policy ideas and legislative proposals in a debate before a crowd in Las Vegas Tuesday. It was their audience. People only come to Las Vegas because they want something for nothing.

Hillary Clinton was the only Democratic candidate on Michigan's primary ballot Monday after Barack Obama and John Edwards dropped out. Her opponent on the ballot was a box marked Uncommitted. It's the first time she's ever run against her husband.

Hillary Clinton won the debate with Barack Obama and John Edwards Tuesday. She somehow got Obama to give up the race issue and Edwards to stop saying how poor he used to be. All women have to do is threaten to cry and men just do whatever they say.

Hillary Clinton told Tyra Banks this week she'll hold a contest to pick a name to call her husband if she's elected president. She was humoring the host. No one seriously thinks Hillary Clinton needs any help thinking of names to call her husband.

John McCain restated his opposition to the Confederate flag Wednesday in South Carolina. He loves telling people what they don't want to hear. He told people in Michigan their jobs are never coming back, he told South Carolina the Rebel flag is wrong, and when he gets to California, he plans to tell everybody their actual age.

Las Vegas casinos were permitted to be used as caucus sites for Democratic party voters in Nevada yesterday. The casinos are full of hot waitresses in thongs and bikinis. Bill Clinton has to be led through the state with horse blinders on his head.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech in South Central Los Angeles Thursday and quoted Martin Luther King in an attempt to reach out to black people. The audience just stared at her. If her advance people had done their homework she would have quoted Cesar Chavez.

Big news: Barack Obama has increased his Secret Service protection. And that’s just from Hillary.

It looks like the Democratic field has really narrowed down. It’s going to be a black man or a white woman. A black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life.

Because of some discrepancy in the voting, New Hampshire says it will do a hand recount of all of Dennis Kucinich’s votes. Luckily, they’ll only need one hand.

This isn’t fair: NBC did not invite Dennis to tonight’s Democratic debate. To be fair, they did invite his hot wife.

Hillary Clinton was on the "Tyra Banks" show. Tyra asked her if she could be on a reality show, which reality show would she be on? Hillary answered “Dancing with the Stars.”

Well, if Barack Obama continues to do well, she could be on that show sooner than she thinks.

While he was in the Saudi Arabia, President Bush met with the Saudi crown Prince Abdullah. See, he’s not really good at these social situations. He kept asking the prince about his sister Paula Abdullah.

There was a big Democratic debate the other night, and NBC would not allow Dennis Kucinich into the debate because his poll numbers were not high enough. How ironic is that — NBC saying you’re ratings are too low.

Chelsea Clinton is doing a series of Q&As at campuses across the country. Apparently she wants to target the college female demographic. Just like her dad.

The Michigan primary was today. John McCain was wearing the same green sweatshirt that he wore during his win in New Hampshire. Not to be outdone, Hillary was wearing the same jockstrap.

The Michigan primary is tonight. And then there's the big Democratic debate in Las Vegas. But of course, the biggest story: American Idol is back on the air.

More Americans will participate in “American Idol” than in the election of our next president. It’s true. And they’ll be happier about the result.

I think it’s the best “American Idol” yet. Take a look: [Clip of Hillary Clinton singing the “Star-Spangled Banner,” off-key].

Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.
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