Monday, January 28, 2008


President Bush gave a speech Friday calling for Congress to pass a one hundred and fifty billion dollar stimulus package. Reaction varied. Hillary Clinton called it only a start, Mike Huckabee expressed his wholehearted approval, and Barack Obama said it is dirty pool to bring up his youthful experimentation with stimulus packages.

Bill Clinton lost his temper at a reporter when asked Wednesday if he's trying to suppress Nevada turnout. Everyone understands why the former president is so agitated. It's the tenth anniversary of the Monica Lewinsky scandal and he's due again.

Arnold Schwarzenegger warned of a huge budget deficit Friday. He may order ten percent spending cuts. He doesn't want to go to Washington to ask for help because he's afraid if he goes to Capitol Hill he'll be dragged into a steroid hearing.

Mitt Romney won the Nevada GOP caucuses by a big margin on Saturday. He was finally in a situation where being a Mormon helped him. The caucuses were held at nine in the morning on Saturday, and in Las Vegas the Mormons are the only ones up at that hour.

John Edwards was routed and embarrassed in Nevada's primary Saturday, receiving only four percent of all the votes cast. He never had a chance to win the votes of those casino workers. John Edwards is in favor of soaking the rich, and that's their job.

Rudy Giuliani campaigned in the Florida Everglades Saturday in the state where he urgently needs a primary win. He knows how to curry favor in a swamp. Rudy gave the alligators the day off and wore a cotton golf shirt with a little terrorist on it.

Barack Obama said Monday he will confront Bill Clinton about recent inaccurate statements. Barack Obama says we're one nation, John Edwards says there are two Americas, Bill Clinton says he's changed his ways. Clearly, somebody is lying.

Chuck Norris said Sunday John McCain is so old his vice president will probably finish his first term. It's awful. The next day John McCain was deluged by calls from fellow senators offering to endorse him in exchange for the vice presidential nod.

Russia delivered half a ton of nuclear fuel to Iran Sunday, which couldn't help but attract the attention of the Bush administration. Now we know why there are no Iranians onboard the Starship Enterprise. It's because Star Trek is set in the future.

U.S. News and World Report said Hillary Clinton, if elected, won't ask her husband to handle social duties. They'll have a social office. It'll be staffed by Arkansas state troopers since they have the most experience managing Bill Clinton's social life.

John McCain courted the Cuban vote in Miami as he pulled into the lead for the Republican Party nomination. He was a little self-serving. John McCain told them that just because Fidel Castro is old, that does not mean he's going to die in office.

Bill Clinton fell asleep onstage while sitting at a Harlem church Monday at a Martin Luther King memorial service. He nodded off in a chair behind the pulpit. It was the worst possible time and place to explain he has been working like a slave.

Rudy Giuliani fell behind John McCain and Mitt Romney in Florida Monday. It was a big mistake for him to skip Nevada. If Rudy could have been photographed standing next to an imploding hotel, it would have propelled him right to the top of the polls.

Barack Obama announced Monday he has set up a truth squad to respond to untruthful statements from the Clintons. He thinks that'll keep them honest. Ken Starr laughed so hard that the walls shook at Pepperdine University and caused a mudslide in Malibu.

-- Argus Hamilton

Voters are starting to warm up to Hillary Clinton. You what that means. This may be the best proof yet for global warming. Hillary is starting to thaw.

John Edwards keeps coming in third, but he says he’s not worried about it. He now says he doesn’t believe there are two Americas. He now thinks there are three. And he’s going to keep looking for the one that wants him to be president.

There’s still no front-runner for the Republicans. Republicans are starting to look like Britney Spears getting out of the limo: wide open.

Today was a big day in Hollywood. Academy Awards were announced. A lot of Oscar buzz for “No Country for Old Men.” That’s also John McCain’s campaign slogan.

Boy did it rain last night . . . Al Gore calls it “global leaking.”

Did everyone see American Gladiators last night? Not the NBC show, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama? They were so hostile to each other I thought they were married.

- - Leno

Mayor Bloomberg may run for president. It’s on his “bucket List.”

Top Ten Things Overheard During the Giants-Packers Game - #10. "Here to sing the national anthem, global warming genius Al Gore."

Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama were really going at one another last night. John Edwards looked like the moderator on “Family Feud.” During the argument, security guards had to be brought in, and you could hear Hillary Clinton screaming, “Don’t Tase me, bro!”

- - Letterman

The government announced that some voters will be allowed to vote online. That’s going to be a tough choice: democracy or porn . . . democracy or porn.

John McCain’s team is heading to Florida to get ready for the primary. Hillary Clinton’s team is going there so they can get an early start for Bill on Spring Break.

People were shocked this morning by Bill Clinton’s comments. He said that he likes seeing Hillary fight with Obama. He likes it! Then he said, “I’d like it even more if they both wore dresses.“ “Oh, wait — who am I kidding? Hillary would never wear a dress.”

- - Craig Ferguson

Bill Clinton had an embarrassing moment too. Between campaigning for his wife Hillary, and pretending to have work to do to avoid going to bed with her, he’s exhausted. That’s obvious at the Convent Avenue Baptist Church in Harlem yesterday where he was supposed to be listening to Martin Luther King III. I don’t know if that was the kind of dream Dr. King had in mind.

- - Jimmy Kimmel

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function that Hillary Clinton is also attending, trying gather more support for her nomination. Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around her head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for citizens of New York to call their Senator a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," she responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

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