Monday, August 17, 2009


Exclusive: A Page from Barack Obama’s Diary – Thanks A Lot, America, For Ruining My Day!
Pam Meister
Dear Diary,

I thought being President would be a lot more fun. I figured the people who elected me would always love me, no matter how many fakes or flagrant fouls I tried on them (that’s phat basketball lingo, in case you didn’t know). I figured they were so tired of Bush and the Republicans that they would welcome any kind of change – even the radical change that is near and dear to my heart.

Apparently, Diary, there are more bitter clingers in America than I realized. Some frumpy housewife told my man Arlen that a “sleeping giant” had been awakened. What is this, a Rip van Winkle story? Who is this Katy Abram anyway? Who on earth did she think she was, treating my newest acolyte like a public servant? Fortunately, my lapdogs my pals the diligent truth-finders in the media picked her apart more thoroughly than a Thanksgiving turkey. She won’t be so quick to voice her opinion outside of her own home again. And in ObamAmerica, that’s as it should be.

Things were going so well. My make America servile to my interests stimulus bill passed, even though it’ll hurt the economy more than it will help. I’ve also been successful in packing the White House with czars beholden only to me, and not the Senate, as outlined in that moldy old piece of paper called the Constitution.

But now I’m really mad because I have to make a concession in order to get the health care bill passed. It’s the best part of the bill – well, from the little I’ve had time read between visits abroad and campaign stops town hall meetings to talk down to speak with the American people. The public option will have to be scrapped – for now. The public option is what gave the bill its true teeth – darn that Karl Rove for figuring out that it's a bait-and-switch tactic meant to reassure people that my goals are less radical than they are. My goal is a single-payer, government-run health-care system. I’ve made my intentions clear well before now, but that was before anyone was paying attention besides my hardcore supporters in the unions and such.

Maybe I should have had Michelle’s input on this, considering her experience in dumping poor patients without private insurance onto other health facilities and getting away with it. Maybe her ability to beat the snot out of anyone who even says “boo” to her has something to do with it. I know I don’t say “boo,” and I occupy the most powerful office in the world!

You know, though, that things aren’t going your way when even the kooks in San Francisco are turning against your best-laid plans. That Nancy Pelosi has some explaining to do if she expects to remain in my good books. I’ve been allowing her and Harry Reid to pretty much do whatever they want, which allows me to have fun playing golf and bowing down to my moral superiors. Now it looks like I’ll have to make some decisions, something I’ve managed to avoid all these years. Who would have thought that only eight months into my presidency I’d actually have to work?

So you can understand why my fellow citizens Americans are cheesing me off at the moment. My carefully laid plans are going all to heck. George Soros won’t be too nice about it the next time we chat about how things are going.

Well, Diary, I’m going to sign off now. Big Brother is on television. I love that show – nothing like knowing someone is watching you every moment, ready to pounce if you make a wrong move. It’s how I envision ObamAmerica one day. Sure, I’ve met with a setback, but I’m a patient man. I know that the socialism I’ve been dreaming about all these years – with me at the helm – is just around the corner.

Pam Meister is the editor of

Previous diary entries:

My Day with My New BFF – Hugo Chávez
Apologizing Sure Is Exhausting!Can I Just Eat My Ice Cream?
No, I Won’t Show Them My Birth Certificate!
Let’s Put Away the Flags Already!
Hail to the Ogler in Chief!
Paging Dr. Obama
Healthcare Is All About Me, and Don’t You Forget It!
Let’s Crack Open a Beer and Start the Healing
Who Do Americans Think They Are?
All I Wanted for my Birthday Was Total Submission – Was That Too Much to Ask?
Making My List and Checking It Twice...If You’re Naughty, Watch Out!

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