Monday, May 18, 2009


In Case You Missed It Dept:

President Obama proclaimed a National Day of Prayer Thursday but he didn't have any time to hold any public observances. You can imagine his irritation. He's the first president to have to spend National Prayer Day in his office answering prayers.

President Obama went to a Virginia hamburger stand for lunch Tuesday and he ordered a burger with Dijon mustard. He got puzzled looks. If you ask the average Virginian in a restaurant for Dijon they give you direction to the men's room.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner rolled out a new plan Friday to get tax cheats to pay the money they owe to the government. The penalties for tax cheating are very strict in this country. If you are caught, it could get you a cabinet appointment.

The White House announced President Obama will go to Normandy and speak on the sixty-fifth anniversary of the D-Day invasion. He's seen pictures of the landing. He wants to go to France and apologize personally for America littering their beaches.

The Interior Department announced Friday it will re-open the Statue of Liberty's crown, which has been closed since the World Trade Center attack. Things have changed since them. When tourists thought they might be hit by a hijacked airliner they were afraid to go up there, but now that they could be hit by Air Force One, it is an honor.

The White House released photos of Air Force One flying low over New York last week. Cellphone videos showed people running through the streets in panic. The Air Force One flyover project has been renamed the President's Project on Physical Fitness.

President Obama stood at the lectern at the White House Correspondents' Dinner Saturday and told funny jokes about himself and his family. The press walked out. They will not tolerate anyone telling jokes about Barack Obama, they think it's racist.

President Obama did stand-up comedy at Saturday's White House Correspondents' Dinner where the president got huge laughs from a room full of reporters. It was like a worship service. At last he found a church he can join with a clear conscience.

President Obama met with trade lobbyists for hospitals, doctors, insurance and drug companies Monday. Neither side cares about health. He was dealing with lobbyists and they're dealing with the first president in history who smokes Newports.

President Obama slashed Chrysler's advertising budget in half Tuesday. This is his area of expertise. He told them they don't need a hundred million dollars in advertising if they can just run a few negative ads in Iowa and get Chris Matthews on their side.

Sarah Palin signed a book deal to write her memoirs Monday. She said she wants to tell her family's story without going through the filter of the mainstream media. They're always obsessed with who's pregnant, who's high and who reminds them of Nixon.

President Obama met with House Democrats Wednesday and told them that he wants a health care reform bill on his desk by August. The president told reporters that he wants the legislation now because the stars are aligned. The stars are under the mistaken impression that plastic surgery will be covered by the new health care plan.

The U.S. Senate held hearings Wednesday on the enhanced interrogation techniques used on terrorists. They're all more familiar with waterboarding than they will admit. Every night reporters pour vodka down their throats and they sing like canaries.

The Social Security Administration said Wednesday they mailed stimulus checks last month to ten thousand deceased Americans. The government sent two hundred and fifty dollars to ten thousand dead people. In Chicago, it's known as get out the vote money.

Somali pirates retreated to the African shores Monday when the annual monsoons arrived, making the sea too rough for pirate boats to chase tankers. It caused environmentalists to tear their hair out. They can't figure out why the climate is saving the oil industry.

Nancy Pelosi said Thursday the CIA lied to her seven years ago in the briefing about the waterboarding of terror suspects. She said they didn't brief her, but the CIA records and other congressmen indicate they briefed her, then she said she knew but she wasn't informed.

Miss California sounded better explaining where babies come from. - - Argus Hamilton

On Oprah, Elizabeth Edwards attacked her husband's mistress. Somehow, John Edwards convinced his wife that the mistress seduced him. Guys don't try this with your wife — John Edwards is a politician and a trial lawyer.

John Edwards says he and his wife are getting to a better place. Actually she's getting to a better place — he's getting into a smaller place: two bedrooms, furnished, nothing fancy.

It seems President Obama was the first president to not have a prayer service for National Prayer Day. I understand that — between the Rev. Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Jeremiah Wright he hasn't had the best of luck with prayer services.

The National Institute of Health is sending researchers into bars to find out why gay men engage in risky sexual behavior while drunk. Here's a better idea: How about finding out why politicians like John Edwards engage in risky sexual behavior while sober?

John Edwards said he and his wife are getting to "a better place." He said after admitting the affair, he took a look in the mirror and fell in love all over again.

Elizabeth's Edwards' book "Resilience" comes out today. John's is already out: "Cheating for Dummies."

President Obama held a poetry night the other night at the White House. When former President Bush heard about it he said, "Now that's torture."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says that she was misled by the CIA on waterboarding. She spent eight years complaining about how dumb President Bush was and the minute she's in trouble, she says he fooled her. - -


The president may have a nominee for the Supreme Court by the end of the week. Does it bother anybody that he took him 10 times longer to pick a dog?

President Obama hosted a poetry slam at the White house. These can get out of control. Apparently somebody got up on stage and rambled on and on, and didn't make any sense . . . when Joe Biden was done, they started the poetry. - -

Craig Ferguson

Barack Obama and Joe Biden made a surprise trip outside the White House yesterday for burgers. Obama ordered a cheeseburger and Biden asked for "whatever comes with the toy.” After they finished the meal, Obama put the duct tape back over Biden’s mouth.

- - Jimmy Fallon

It's graduation time. The NYU graduation speaker? Hillary Clinton. You think she looks great in a pantsuit, you ought to see her in a robe.

- - Letterman ----------------------------------------------------

I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) Event at the Ford Center next weekend in Beaumont, Texas, if anybody wants them. He's going to try to jump 1,000 Obama supporters with a bulldozer. Should be a good time. Let me know........


No comments: