March 25, 2009
Exclusive: A Page from Ahmadinejad’s Diary – Happy New Year!
I’m sorry I haven’t written in a few days; I’ve been busy overseeing our nuclear facility’s “energy” capacity (wink wink, nudge nudge). Our New Year Nowruz celebration went without a hitch last week, thanks be to the Prophet (pbuh). Not even the death of a blogger who was in the Evin Prison for daring to insult this nation’s glorious leaders could hamper my enjoyment of my specially prepared chicken kabob and chello. In fact, his death added a certain zest to the occasion!
Speaking of zesty goodness, that video from the President of the Great Satan was the highlight of the day. He said many of the right things, calling ours a “great civilization” and praising us for “accomplishments” that “have earned the respect of the United States and the world.” And he’s “committed to diplomacy.” Will he be sending that Friday-faced Hillary Clinton of the large ankles over to Iran? If so, I’ll be sure to send to her a subordinate who has recently displeased me. I have no desire to receive her silly toys with words that her minions over at the State Department can’t even bother to translate correctly.
Finally, a man in the Oval Office who recognizes our greatness and does not implicate us in some “axis of evil” as did his predecessor, that dog George W. Bush. Boy, was he a pain in my rump!
Every day since I took office in 2005, someone would say to me, “Did you hear what George W. Bush said about you today?” Of course that person would be severely punished for daring to bring me unfavorable news, but I tell you Diary, it was enough to make even a camel cry in the desert.
Yet in some small way I could admire him for his manliness and willingness to protect his people, even though his actions thwarted my ambitions to be Grand Supreme Ruler of the Islamic Caliphate. (I have to think of a better name than “Grand Supreme Ruler;” it sounds too much like something served at Taco Bell.)
But now, Americans have as their leader not a man who is unafraid to take action, but a man who wants to sit down and have a tea party with yours truly. I was afraid for a while that the old war hero John McCain would be elected and my plans would have to wait for a little while longer, but fortunately Americans were fooled by a pretty face with a fancy law degree.
I find myself wondering when we do have our meeting, will Obama have his famous Teleprompter with him? I’d like to see the device responsible for embarrassing this new American president in front of the Irish prime minister and caused him to mispronounce Orion. The worse Obama looks on the world stage, the better my chances are at capturing the international crown of popularity.
I still don’t understand the American media, though. When that dog Bush would mispronounce a word or make some other mistake they were merciless in their taunts and criticisms, but when Obama screws up by reading the wrong speech and thanking himself, they suppress the video. I thought the American media existed to keep their president in check. Perhaps I was wrong, and they are learning some valuable lessons from how we do things here in Iran.
Ali Khameini, the Islamic Republic’s supreme leader, doesn’t think much of the new American president and didn’t really like his video message. His response to it was, "He insulted the Islamic Republic of Iran from the first day. If you are right that change has come, where is that change?" I don’t think he’s getting the big picture, though. The more I see of Obama, the more hopeful I become that he’s “one of us,” even if he is an apostate.
He’d rather talk than fight – that’s a huge thing in his favor – and he announced when he plans to move American troops out of Iraq, which means we can just sit back and wait for the giant sucking sound of a power vacuum waiting to be filled. Plus there are rumors that he plans a civilian army of “brown shirts” to keep dissenters in line.
You know, I’d be more than happy to share my secrets with Obama on how to keep the people on a tight leash. Perhaps we can even be – dare I say it? – friends. We’ll have to wait and see what the glorious future portends. If we do become BFFs, I’ll also have some advice on how he should handle that wife of his. She’s much too pushy and emasculating for my taste. In Iran, we know how to show women their rightful place in society.
Speaking of women, I have to sign a couple of death warrants for women accused of adultery. The only thing I can’t decide is whether they should be hanged or stoned. Oh well, it’ll come to me. Until next time, dear Diary!
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the president of Iran and loves eating at Taco Bell.
Courtesy Family Security Matters