Monday, April 14, 2008


Bill and Hillary Clinton released their tax returns Friday, revealing that they made nearly a hundred and ten million dollars since leaving the White House. No one begrudges them.

Americans have always felt that great comedians are worth every penny.

Absolut vodka caused international outrage Friday with billboard ads in Mexico City. The billboards show a map of Mexico that includes the western United States inside its borders. Those truth-in-advertising laws have gotten way too strict.

Formula One chairman Max Mosley was taped being spanked by five hookers dressed as Nazis at a club in the London suburb of Chelsea. He refused to resign Monday. Bill and Hillary Clinton are demanding that he be fired for linking prostitutes to Chelsea. CBS News was reported Monday to be negotiating to outsource all news reporting to CNN.

The cable news networks are all ripe takeover targets. Their daily coverage of Barack Obama is so worshipful that they're now tax-exempt as religious broadcasters.

Bob Barr volunteered to run for president as the Libertarian Party candidate Monday.

No one noticed. Hillary and Barack are taking up so much of the media attention that Britney Spears has been driven to the brink of insanity, even if it was a short drive.

The Weather Channel aired spectacular video of spring hailstorms and lightning strikes in the Southwest on Tuesday. They reported that Tulsa had ten thousand strikes in just one hour.

It reminded Barack Obama never to try to bowl against Tulsa.

Hillary Clinton hit one bowling pin on the Ellen DeGeneres show Tuesday to prove she can bowl better than Barack, after he'd bowled a gutter ball.

Pennsylvania Democrats aren't amused. To the working class, being a terrible bowler is the first sign of a monarchist.

Hillary Clinton said reasonable people differ over the merits of the Colombia free-trade deal, admitting she's against it and her husband is for it.

Bill takes the money for supporting the trade deal while Hillary takes the votes for opposing the trade deal. Chelsea taught them how to do that when she worked for the hedge fund.

Bill Clinton was called the most expensive ex-president in history Thursday by congressional auditors for his cost to the taxpayers. How many times do the bean counters of this world need to hear this before it finally sinks in.

Funny isn't free. Air America radio host Randi Rhodes resigned rather than apologize for calling Hillary Clinton a whore while speaking onstage in San Francisco. It was painful to watch.

Two drinks and a microphone have ended more careers than rotator cuff surgery.

-- Argus Hamilton

Just a few days away from tax time. The governor and Mrs. McGreevey had a four way with H&R Block. -- David Letterman

John Corzine, governor of New Jersey and Clinton superdelegate, says he might switch his allegiance to Barack Obama. But this is not unprecedented. He would not be the first governor of New Jersey to switch from a woman to a guy.

This week is Explore Your Career Options week. Especially if you work for the Hillary Clinton campaign. Hillary’s senior campaign adviser, Mark Penn, has left the campaign.

Apparently he was coming under some heavy sniper fire.

Former presidential candidate John Edwards announced he will not — will not — accept the nomination for vice president. Which is really important, considering no one has asked him.

This weekend, Hillary Clinton said she has nothing against rich people. Of course not, she is one. Turns out that Hillary and Bill earned $109 million over the past eight years. Hillary said that to her surprise her husband made a lot of money giving speeches. He made over $50 million dollars speaking. So apparently the only one not buying what Bill was saying is Hillary.

Hillary Clinton’s top campaign strategist, a man named Mark Penn, has had to step down. Apparently he just couldn’t come up with any more good fake stories.

Politics is getting more and more exciting. According to insiders, Condoleezza Rice has been actively lobbying to be John McCain’s vice presidential candidate. That’d be interesting: Condoleezza Rice, John McCain . . . kinda like ebony and ornery.

John Edwards announced that he will not accept the nomination for vice president. He will not accept the vice presidential nomination. To which the cashier at Wendy’s said, “You want a frosty with this or not?”

All three presidential candidates, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and John McCain, appeared on a special “American Idol.”

Not to be outdone, Ralph Nader made a special surprise appearance on “The Biggest Loser.”

In Washington this week, the presidential candidates grilled top commander in Iraq Gen. David Petraeus. Hillary demanded an orderly troop withdrawal. Believe me, if there is anyone that knows when it’s time to get out, it’s Hillary.

-- Leno

The Clintons just released their tax returns. Over the past eight years, they’ve donated over $10 million to charity. When they asked Bill Clinton why he gave so much money to charity, he said, “She’s a really good dancer.”


Yesterday Hillary Clinton’s top adviser left her campaign. When he heard about it, Bill Clinton said, “Wait — we can leave?”

Everyone’s talking about the candidates. A lot of people are whispering about John McCain’s temper. It’s been reported that John McCain once got so angry, he called his wife the worst thing you can call your wife: He called her Hillary.

Last night in New York, Elton John held a fundraiser for Sen. Hillary Clinton. Things got off to an awkward start when Hillary and Elton showed up wearing the same pantsuit. --

Conan O'Brien

Barack Obama has announced that his campaign raised $40 million in March. Also this week he got the endorsement of Jane Fonda. You win some, you lose some.

The Clintons are also in the news because their tax returns have been revealed. Apparently Bill Clinton charges $450,000 to talk at events. But if you want him to talk dirty, it’s free.

-- Craig Ferguson

US Weekly had the spouses of the presidential candidates write articles about why they should get the vote. Bill Clinton said, “I believe my wife Hillary will make a better president than any of my other girlfriends.”

-- Jimmy Kimmel

Dear Abby,I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up.

I've tried everything,including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair.

He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed,Worried in NY

Dear Worried in NY:I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.


New element added to Periodic ChartResearch has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant neurons, 88 deputy neurons, and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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